losingfaithfindingspirit, Author at Losing Faith, Finding Spirit

Metamorphosis is a Painful, Necessary Change

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Look at the caterpillar. It molts multiple times in its small larvae life. It grows too big for its exoskeleton and must shed it in order to continue eating and living and growing. I’ve watched these caterpillars up close, and trust me this necessary change does not look comfortable. In fact it looks painful.

Imagine being stuffed into a too small outfit that is so tight you feel it must rip or you won’t be able to breathe or move. This is what it looks like when a caterpillar molts. Like they are trapped in a too tight corset and if they do not break the strings and shed the old skin they will suffocate.

I imagine the metamorphosis to butterfly is excruciating.

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When caterpillars ready themselves for the final change, they shed their skin and turn into goo. The new skin outside that goo hardens into a chrysalis. After a few weeks of quiet meditation, self reflection and change, they burst out of their skin for the last time as beautiful butterflies.

Not only do they look like a completely different creature, they can FLY.

The pain they had to endure to get this to this point might seem a distant memory as they flutter and explorethe skies.

Necessary change can be painful.

It can be scary. In fact I think true necessary change is horrifying, at least it has been for me.

Like a caterpillar outgrowing their skin, my own life has gotten quite uncomfortable. I’ve tried to make things work. Tried ignoring my truths. Tried to fit into the expectations others had for me, but alas, I know I’m meant for something different. I have to change.

I’ve discovered my own truth and I can no longer live within the safety of what I know. I have to face the uncertainty of change, the fear of something different, because it is the only way I can spread my wings and fly. It is the only way I can be my true self and grow into what I was meant to be.

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Lives will be effected, which is why it’s hard to make the choice to change. But ultimately my inner truth is more important than the disappointment of others. I am the one who has to live with myself. I have to face the mirror and accept who I am.

Change can be painful, but necessary change is worth it, or at least I hope. I guess after I spend time alone and in silence I’ll finally see if this chrysalis of change will truly transform me into something beautiful, but unrecognizable, or if it is as scary as I truly believed. I have a feeling I’ll learn to spread new wings and be better than I ever imagined.

May your pain bring necessary change and may the change bring you new life and beauty. May the future be better than the past and may you fly on new wings.

Blessings Be.

Explore other posts:

Juggling Stress During COVID? Time to Let the Ball Drop

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I envision my current life like a bunch of glass balls I’m struggling to juggle. If one drops it could break, so I have to keep the constant motion going. I have to hold everything up. My responsibilities as a spouse, parent, child, friend, employee, coworker, etc. are up in the air. Stress is already running high most of the time. Enter COVID. Suddenly life is chaos. I have to figure out how to keep the juggling act or decide to let some of the balls drop.

I have to figure out how to keep the juggling act or decide to let some of the balls drop.

The responsibilities above shift the minute the coronavirus stretched across my area. At the start everyone was sent home. Schools closed. Companies either furloughed employees or sent them home to work remotely.

My small family was forced to stay home for months. We are all under the same small roof, struggling to juggle are individual responsibilities. We all have our unique weaknesses and strengths, but with a pandemic the stress has skyrocketed.

I struggle with general anxiety and often depression. Before the pandemic shut everything down I was going through a depressive episode. I was just starting to pull through when Covid 19 hit. The metaphorical glass balls I was already struggling to juggle were suddenly multiplied and became impossibly heavy.

Parenting took on another layer. Marriage took on more layers. Being the only introvert in a house of extroverts took a huge toll on me. Not only did I no longer have time away to tend my own needs, but I was forced to be the “person” my extroverts needed to give them energy. I was feeling drained. Burned out.

Then I realized I was juggling too much. I was burdened by too many things, too many glass balls. That’s when I decided it was. Time. To. Let. One. Drop.

Time. To. Let. One. Drop.

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I’m going to drop some of the balls anyways, might as well choose which ones to let go. Making the choice gave me some sense of control. I could let go of the things that aren’t important. Then I could focus on what needs the most attention, and let the rest fall away.

The first ball I chose to drop is “being a good child.” I’m a parent now, my parents are adults. It is past time to let the responsibility of being a perfect child drop. I am not responsible for my parents’ emotional health and well-being. They are fully capable of handling themselves. I can let this one go and focus on my own child, and on being a better parent.

It felt good to drop that ball. So good that I started to consider which other balls could be let go.

It felt good to drop that ball. So good that I started to consider which other balls could be let go. Some will be temporary drops. Chores and things will only be dropped while I adjust to new schedules. Once a new sense of normal or a new routine sets in some of these balls and responsibilities will be resumed, others I can happily say are gone forever.

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I’m certainly not perfect. In fact I struggled with this so much that I started therapy, which has also helped gain perspective. Talking to a therapist feels like I’m giving my own mental health priority, something I have not done in a long while. It has also helped me calm my emotions enough to think more clearly, so I can make decisions about what to shift with confidence.

It’s okay to not be perfect at everything and to let some things go. These are not normal times, and even if they were, no one can do everything. It’s perfectly okay to let a few things fall.

I give you permission to let a few balls drop right now. You don’t have to juggle it all. Focus on what matters to you.

Blessings be.

Search for more Mindful Tips and learn about how I overcame Spiritual Bullying in the links below:

Sitting With My Big Emotions: Anger and Fear

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Sitting with my fears, anger, and other big feelings is not an easy task. I was raised to ignore, to shut down, to put myself last. I am learning to unlearn the coping skills of my past.

This is codependency at its finest.

Growing up my family was more important that myself. The raging alcoholic and the enmeshed matriarch were the ones who had the biggest needs. There was no space, no comfort, no soothing for me to explore my feelings. I had to be an adult. I had to comfort my parent who felt worn down because of the addict. I had to care for my siblings, and shoulder the burdens of everyone in the house.

I felt like the glue holding it all together, but I was constantly falling apart.

I felt like the glue holding it all together, but I was constantly falling apart. There were and still are many cracks in my being. Holes and wounds invisible to the eye, but felt in every moment of my day. These are the child wounds I never healed. These are the fears and doubts and big emotions I was not allowed to safely experience. I became terrified of not only my feelings, but other people’s feelings too.

Anger is a huge trigger for me.

Anger is a huge trigger for me. When someone raises their voice I start to shut down, hiding and trembling deep inside myself. I fret and sweat and my heart races. I am worried that the person angry at me will lose control.

When I feel angry, I fear I will lose control. That anger will rage out of me like the Hulk, and I will sit outside myself feeling shame and guilt. This, sadly, was how I handled much anger in my life. I either shut down or lost control.

The key to healing those wounds is to let them be felt

I have recently learned that the key to healing those wounds is to let them be felt. This sounds crazy. Why suffer the negative feelings? Why pull up all that old hurt?

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The answer is to heal it.

If I don’t heal the mother wound, the inner child, the past, I cannot enter a healthy future. If I don’t clean the old wounds of their infections I will continue to suffer and lose myself.

Now, I try to sit with my feelings. To become aware of what I physically feel in my body. Give the emotions a name, identify what they are, and if possible, where they are truly coming from. Then I am able to let them wash away. I can accept myself as I am, broken, but still alive, still making progress.

Mindfulness has helped me immensely in this process. I sit quietly and simply acknowledge what I feel, where I feel it, and pay attention to it. Then I move on, without judging the emotion or physical reaction.

I used to try pushing away all the feelings, which only made them push back. I struggled against fear and anger, now I sit back and let them happen. I feel the anger, I call it by name, I thank it (silently of course) for being present inside me, for showing me something important.

Anger is usually present to show something is unjust, unfair, or goes against one of my values

I find that for me, anger is usually present to show something is unjust, unfair, or goes against one of my values. Anger is important because it helps identify what’s important to me. I don’t have to be afraid when I get angry. I don’t have to react when I get angry. I can simply accept my anger. Then I can work out solutions to why I feel angry and solve any problems my anger has shown me. Knowing why I feel what I feel is empowering and helps me let go easier.

Knowing why I feel what I feel is empowering and helps me let go easier.

Fear is the same. I feel it, I calm my heart and remind myself that I am safe. I breathe into the fear and any tension in my body and try to relax those muscles and areas. It helps. I realize what I’m afraid of isn’t what I thought, and that my fears may not be as extreme as first imagined. I am safe. I can take steps to remain safe if things escalate. I know what to do if my big fear starts to become real, and that is empowering.

Fear tells me that something could go wrong. That pain might be coming.

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It’s okay to feel fear. Fear tells me that something could go wrong. That pain might be coming. It helps me be aware of myself and others.

I don’t have to live in fear. I don’t have to let it flood me. I can breathe it in, let it exist, and breathe it out again. I know what to do, that alone gives me power to let the fear go. I can then plan for worse case scenarios from a clear mind.

The little child I was in the past is a grown adult now. I no longer rely on my parents, I can rely on myself. That alone is powerful.

I can sit with my big emotions, give myself a hug, validate my feelings, and move on with peace and acceptance.

I am enough.

And so are you.

Scared to Death of Death – Fear in the Church

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Hell, death, and the end of days were constant buzz words in the Evangelical Christian Church where I grew up. Fear was always present. Fear of God, fear of death, and simple fear of tomorrow. Repent, come to Jesus, and you will be saved not only from eternal flames, but you’ll get summoned in the Rapture.

Let me pause here and discuss the Rapture, as I knew it.

The church I grew up in believed that the “end of days,” was the time before the great apocalypse when Earth reaches its final moments. Spoiler alert, the world goes down in flames, literally. Apparently God really likes fire, I mean he does ask for sacrifices to be burned. Anyways, before the END, God will call His “children” home with a resounding trumpet blast. Those who believe in Jesus, and are “True Christians,” will meet him in the air, escaping the horror that will befall all who are left behind.

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This event, where the real Christians get zapped from earth leaving their mortal clothing and everything behind, is called the Rapture. The fake Christians and straight up heathens, get left behind to deal with the four horsemen of the apocalypse and everything else horrific and oddly worded that goes on in the Biblical book of Revelations.

Southern Evangelical Churches loved to preach about the Rapture. They got all riled up thinking about that big party in the sky. Sometimes they would break out in song and dancing and shouting when they really got going. A few times I recall someone grabbing a ram’s horn and blowing it, sort of as a symbol of the Rapture call. They were excited because they were definitely part of the elite who are going to be Raptured away. You too could be part of the select few and celebrate, while all the rejects suffer on earth.

You really don’t want to be a reject do you?

Beware, because if you have any sin in your heart when the trumpet sounds, you will be left behind!!!

Beware! Sin leads to death. Sin leads to missing out. You could be sinning right now. Just thinking about some carnal thing instead of meditating on God constantly could get you left behind. No one knows the day or the hour when the trumpet will sound.

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BUT, if you do miss out on the trumpet, there’s still hope. You just have to avoid taking the Mark of Beast (which is either a tattoo with the number 666, a bar-code, or a microchip, depending on the technology in your region). You also have to ask Jesus into your heart constantly, because you never know.

As a God fearing Christian, I was terrified of the Rapture. There was a puppet show when I was a kid that portrayed the Rapture. In it, a kid was walking outside when suddenly all the birds got quiet. A trumpet sounded, and a cracking sound followed. Suddenly, everyone the kid loved was gone.

For years afterwards I was horrified whenever birds got quiet. Whenever a vaguely horn-ish sound blared in the distance I would stop and search for piles of abandoned clothes.

I lived most of my religious life in total fear.

I was scared of dying after committing a minor sin, or an unknown sin. Afraid of the trumpet sound and the Rapture. Terrified of God just being mad at me and dolling out some kind of punishment because it was going to teach a lesson, or had some bigger purpose.

Going to church really did not help my anxiety.

Of course fear is a big motivator. Afraid of sinning? Come to church to find ways to get rid of sin. Scared of death and Hell? Go to church to be a good Christian. Worried about the Rapture? Perfect church attendance proves you are one of the elite and will get called up by the trumpet.

Fear certainly motivated me to keep going to church in the hopes of not being a reject and burning up forever. At least it did for a while.

Imagine being so worried about what happens after you die that you stop caring about what is going on while you are alive?

I was so focused on the past and the future I lost sight of the right now. Thanks to mindfulness I have changed my perspective and worked through a great deal of fear. I still struggle, fear is human. But I no longer listen for trumpet blasts and worry about the afterlife. I try to focus on what I can do in the lives of the living, in this moment. I try to focus on mindfulness.

We only have one life, I’m going to live mine without so much fear.

Read about my past in the Evangelical Christian church and find more mindful healing at these links:

Spilling the Tea – Where Are You Looking?

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I used to be rubbish at pouring tea from a teapot. I’d always end up spilling tea or having it drip down the spout onto the nice tablecloth. I assumed this was the way it was with teapots, they drip. Only recently-in the past week, actually-I started using a teapot daily at home.

For me, tea is a self-care ritual that makes me feel warm and fancy. Using a teapot also keeps my tea warm longer so I can enjoy more than one cup of hot brew.

All that to say, I finally figured out WHY I was failing at pouring tea properly.

Oh, I still get a drip here and there, I’m not perfect. I even keep a napkin under the spout to catch the drips. But the key to preventing drips is to watch the tea pour FROM the spout. That’s it.

Keep your eyes on what you’re doing, the pouring.

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I never really knew where to look when I poured tea previously. When I pour the boiling water from the kettle into the mug or tea brewer, I usually just watch the waterline and make sure I have the right amount to make the perfect cuppa. When it comes to pouring from a teapot into a teacup I have to shift my focus and watch the tea move from the spout while keeping an eye on the level in the teacup from my peripheral.

Once I figured out WHERE to look, it’s all in practicing how slow or fast to pour, and that’s it!

I find that life is similar.

Oftentimes I am looking at the wrong place.

Watching the waterline, or in my case external forces, whether they be people or just the things I have no control over. I pour my emotions, feelings, words, and parts of myself out to these external factors and focus on them so much I start to drip, spill, and make a mess of myself in the process.

My focus is on others instead of myself.

Once I shift that attention back to ME, to my internal feelings, what I am saying, and what I hope to achieve I am no longer making a mess, or losing bits of my sanity and peace.

Again, I am not perfect here either, but as many programs say “progress not perfection.”

I am doing my best to focus on what I can control, what I have power over instead of the external. I will make mistakes and still be a little messy from time to time, but I will get better with practice. Hopefully, one day it will come naturally.

Just like I’ve gotten better at pouring the tea instead of spilling it… Unless it’s the latest take, but that’s another story.

How I Lost Faith in Christianity

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I lost faith in Christianity because of a one word question:

How?

As a child magic and miracles seemed interchangeable. At one point I believed I could control the wind or change traffic lights with my mind. Jesus and Santa Clause were both eternal beings who granted your requests, one through a letter, the other through a prayer. Miracles were real, but magic and fairies were not.

Over time I watched people I love struggle with health issues, either from birth, or through no fault of their own. I watched as seemingly innocent people suffered great loss from natural events, or wars, or mass murders. I struggled to understand How a God of Love could allow the world to suffer, allow the humans he supposedly valued more than His own Son, to suffer. How could love let pain endure?

The answers were vast and thin.

God’s ways are not man’s ways.

We cannot understand the mind of Christ.

He works in mysterious ways.

These answers did not satisfy my endless question of How? If God is Love, how does suffering continue? I swallowed down my doubts and tried to believe in the bigger picture. I observed the world and searched for clues as to how pain and suffering led to a greater good. Yet, I failed.

The world’s suffering grew too big for my understanding of God.

There was the bigger How… How do I live the life God wants? God was a jealous, angry God waiting around to strike me dead for even thinking sinfully. If, my own private thoughts were not safe, how then, did I find purity? How could I escape the damnation of my soul lamenting in an endless lake of fire?

The pastors and preachers demanded that all sinners must be saved. The phrase, “go and sin no more,” was a constant plea. There was no guide as to HOW to accomplish this fete.

There were endless tales of mortals who met their doom right after refusing to ask Jesus in their hearts. Modest, moral folks were decapitated right outside the church parking-lot, after refusing to ask Jesus into their hearts.

A simple prayer was all it took to be saved.

Repeating the Sinner’s Prayer was the magic ticket to heaven. Mass murders could get out of Hell Free by praying. Death is all around in the church. Statues of the dying Jesus are often on display as a reminder of our mortality.

This constant fear left me ill-at-ease within the church. The Bible itself says that “perfect Love casts out all fear” (1 John 4:18). The idea that I should follow God, or Jesus out of fear has never sat right with me.

Another thing that doesn’t sit right with me are the many contradictions in the Bible. The simple fact that historical evidence and Biblical context do not always meet up.

There were many inconsistencies with the theology of the church, the mixed messages of the Bible, and the hypocrisy of those who practiced the religion. Ultimately, I lost faith in Christianity because of the hypocrisy and hate I saw in a faith was was supposedly founded in love.

Spiritual Bullies were the leaders in the church.

Pastors, teachers, even youth ministers knew how to use the scripture to move the hearts of their audience to react. Searching the crowd for that ultimate reaction, the Prayer of Salvation.

I, myself practiced manipulation by using scripture and fear of eternal flames to “Save” souls. I truly believed I was doing the “good work” by using specific Bible verses to force conviction. Once, I tried to convince someone to stop lying all the time by reading as many verses about the evils of lying as I could find. Afterwards, a much more spiritual person than I pointed out what I was doing was manipulative.

My first Confession of a Spiritual Bully is to Jesus.

Jesus commanded to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” (Matthew 22:39), that “true religion is caring for the orphan and the widow,” (James 1:27), and “whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto me,” (Matthew 25:40-45). The same man who commanded that you “judge not lest you be judged,” and “tend to the mote in your own eye before worrying over the speck in your brothers.” (paraphrase of Matthew 7: 1-4)

I want to say, I’m sorry Jesus. I did not follow your principles or your values. Walking away from religion and reading your words under a fresh light has brought me closer to your teachings. I no longer call myself by your name, but I still value your messages.

Not all churches are as manipulative as the ones I grew up in. Not all Christians are hypocrites.

Yet, I have lost faith in Christianity. Instead of believing in some God above, I now search the soul within. I look to the spirit already inside of me, who weeps and mourns for those who struggle. Who wants to give to the agencies that will help in crisis. The one who can rise up from the ashes of the world and do something, however small, to help the present world crisis.

Now when I see a problem and think How, I work to find some action to take. I am finding my how, and I don’t need religion to help me.

The answers are already in my heart.

Welcome

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Welcome to Losing Faith, Finding Spirit.

This site is dedicated to those who are searching for a spiritual meaning to life. To those who may have grown up in restrictive religions and wish to find their own method of spiritual growth. To anyone who wishes to learn how to move past trauma and into a state of self-awareness and growth.

I am no expert.

I am merely another being on this cosmic journey who would like to share my experiences in hopes that others may also find growth, healing, and inner peace. I believe these are life-long efforts and am simply moving towards my own goals.

I am still learning, still growing, still healing.

This is a record of my journey from losing faith in the Evangelical Christian Church in the southern United States, to finding spiritual awareness within myself. I plan to expose and blog about the experiences I had growing up in the Evangelical Christian Church under Confessions of a Spiritual Bully posts.

I will also post the methods that have worked, or haven’t worked in helping me find inner peace and healing from the past under the Mindful Healing Tips posts.

Find all posts here:

This site is not affiliated with any religion. Please feel free to adopt any techniques, practices, or advice into your own world-view and spiritual practices.

May you grow in inner strength and tranquility.
Blessings Be.