Mindful Healing Tips Archives - Losing Faith, Finding Spirit

Rebuilding Foundations: Overcoming Childhood Trauma to Foster Healthy Relationships

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Growing up in an environment filled with fear, chaos, and insecurity can set a rocky foundation for the rest of your life. Childhood trauma has profound effects, often manifesting in unhealthy patterns that carry over into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships. This blog explores how childhood trauma creates challenges in forming healthy relationships and offers strategies for breaking the cycle.

The Rocky Foundation of Childhood Trauma

Growing up, my home was a battleground of emotional turbulence. My father was an alcoholic who used passive-aggressive methods to control and manipulate our family. Instead of having a straightforward conversation about using less water in the shower, he would shove objects into the shower head to limit the water flow—a petty and indirect way to express his dissatisfaction. This type of “read between the lines” behavior was a daily occurrence.

My mother, a vulnerable narcissist, was obsessed with how every behavior was perceived by outsiders. She refused to have healthy conversations and always passed off blame and responsibility to everyone else, leaving me, the eldest child, to shoulder the burden. I carried the weight of my mother’s emotions and the responsibility of raising my younger siblings.

The Impact of Toxic Parenting

The combination of my parents’ mental health issues created a perfect storm. Yelling and arguing were the norms in our house, but we weren’t allowed to tell anyone outside the family about how bad things were. On one hand, we were walking on eggshells, never knowing what would cause my dad to erupt and start yelling at us. On the other hand, my mom refused to allow us to bring up these issues with outsiders to get help. My dad constantly criticized us, saying things like, “What do I have three kids for if you can’t even…”—insert whatever chore he was upset about at the moment. I felt like an object or possession of my parents instead of a living, breathing, thinking child.

Developing Self-Loathing and Insecurity

This toxic environment brewed a lot of self-loathing, insecurity, and false beliefs about adulthood and marriage. I knew my family system was damaged, but I couldn’t define what that meant, nor did I have the self-awareness to understand my own needs. I was so busy being the mother figure to my siblings and parents that my own emotional well-being and health declined significantly, resulting in bouts of depression and high-functioning anxiety.

The Pattern of Toxic Relationships

When I finally started dating, I almost always chose troubled young men. They were toxic and did not respect or love me in a healthy way. I now realize that I was trying to fill the void left by my father figure and was stuck in heteronormative thinking, believing that the only right way to leave my family was to marry a man. Growing up in deep purity culture further limited my beliefs about marriage, keeping me stuck in a toxic environment with my parents. I truly believed the only proper way to leave the family home was to marry and start a new family with a man. This was the biggest lie I believed about myself. I didn’t have the freedom or luxury of self-exploration because my parents’ needs and emotions were always more important.

Overlooking Red Flags in Relationships

When I finally started dating my ex and got serious, I knew things weren’t great, but I overlooked many red flags because, in my opinion, it wasn’t as bad as my parents’ relationship. The bar was set so low by my parents’ marriage that I completely overlooked many warning signs in my own relationships. I thought, at least this person cares about my feelings. I was heavily love-bombed at the beginning of my relationship with my ex and fell into the intensity of the relationship.

I ended up experiencing the same chaotic environment in my own marriage because that’s what was normal to me. When you grow up in chaos, peace feels uncomfortable. You are so used to the rocky insecurity of life that safety feels dull, and you might overlook a healthy relationship because it doesn’t give you the same rush of emotions as an unhealthy one. There are chemical reasons for this, too. Like an addiction, your body becomes accustomed to the highs and lows of toxic, abusive relationships, so you seek them out in your own relationships after leaving your family.

Admitting the Truth and Starting to Heal

Once I finally admitted my ex was abusive, it opened the door to start healing my childhood wounds. I’ve come a long way, and I continue to face my false beliefs and rewrite my thinking every day.

Strategies for Breaking the Cycle

Acknowledge Your Trauma: The first step in breaking the cycle is acknowledging that your childhood experiences have shaped your perceptions and behaviors. Understand that your upbringing was not your fault and that you have the power to change your future.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in unpacking childhood trauma. A professional therapist can help you understand your past and develop strategies for building healthier relationships.
Set Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. This is crucial in preventing toxic relationships from forming and protecting your emotional well-being.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-love. Engage in activities that make you feel good and help you recharge. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Work on understanding and managing your emotions. Emotional intelligence can help you navigate relationships more effectively and avoid repeating unhealthy patterns.
Educate Yourself: Read books, attend workshops, and seek out resources that can help you understand the impact of childhood trauma and how to overcome it. Knowledge is power.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. A strong support network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to heal and grow.
Reflect and Journal: Spend time reflecting on your experiences and writing them down. Journaling can help you process your emotions and gain insights into your behavior patterns.
Forgive Yourself: Understand that healing is a process, and you will make mistakes along the way. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and focus on the progress you’re making.
Stay Committed to Growth: Healing from childhood trauma is an ongoing journey. Stay committed to your personal growth and continue working towards building healthier relationships.

Conclusion

Childhood trauma can set a rocky foundation, leading to toxic romantic relationships later in life. However, by acknowledging your past, seeking help, and actively working on your personal growth, you can break the cycle and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. Remember, you are not defined by your past, and you have the power to create a better future for yourself. Stay committed to your healing journey and embrace the possibility of a life filled with love, respect, and emotional well-being.

Finding Balance: Embracing Rest and Productivity in Life

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There are things I cannot change and things I can. Focusing on what I can change gives me power, while focusing on what I cannot change weakens me and fills me with unnecessary worry. It’s hard to shift this focus, but it can be done, little by little, until it becomes easier, then one day, it feels natural.

The Pressure to Always Be Productive

I used to feel that I had to always be productive, constantly doing something that would show results. I couldn’t sit still; I had to be doing something all the time. I have since learned that it’s okay to slow down. It’s okay to not be productive. There is healing in rest and joy in stillness. I can find energy in just being. It’s hard to accept because this need to constantly be productive stems from a false belief that I am not enough—that I have to prove my worth tangibly, by having something to show for it. These are false beliefs that I am unlearning.

Embracing the Importance of Rest

I am learning to put my energy where it’s needed and when it’s needed, and to rest as well. I am learning that rest is as important as work. If I am constantly moving and never resting, I will burn out. And I have burned out.

I burned out as a mother, a wife, a friend, and a daughter. I burned out with work, as an artist, a writer, and a creator. I burned out with cooking, cleaning, and just living each day. I was drained and felt internally bruised.

Forced to Slow Down

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was forced to slow down and take an internal inventory of all my beliefs and self-worth. This period of reflection made me confront the toxic dynamics in my life, including my abusive marriage. The constant hustle of daily life had allowed me to ignore the reality of my situation, but the pandemic forced me to face it head-on.

As I focused on what I could change and let go of what I could not, I found the strength to break free from my abusive relationship. This led to my divorce and the beginning of my recovery journey. It was an incredibly difficult time, but slowing down gave me the clarity and courage I needed to make this life-altering decision.

Now, I am freer. I am learning to rest and relax. I find joy in peace, something I did not even know I could have. I felt like peace was a prelude to chaos because that was the way things had been since I was young. Being surrounded by toxic and abusive people made it impossible to find peace.

Embracing Peace

Now I have let those people go. They are no longer a primary part of my life. With them gone, I have peace for the first time in my 30+ years of revolving around the sun. It is strange and foreign, and it took months to realize that the reason I still felt on edge was the false belief that peace would lead to chaos—that something was just lurking around the corner to jump out and verbally assault me.

I have started to tell myself, “Peace is good. I love peace. I find joy in peace. I welcome peace. Peace is a happy part of my life. Peace is welcomed here.” These mantras help me, especially if I start to feel a little anxious during down-time.

The Healing Power of Rest

This new mindset has also opened the door to resting for the first time in my life. Whenever I checked in with my body or my inner knowing, I felt this strong urge to just rest. Healing could be found in the quiet, in the rest, in the nothingness.

While I rested and recharged, I found my creative spark. I found energy that I thought was gone. I found joy for projects, new and old, that had burned out. In the rest and down-time, I felt renewal and hope.

Embracing the Unknown

I am stepping out in faith, into the unknown, and while it is scary, it is also exciting. There is newness on the other side and success. I don’t have to fear success. I will not lose my success. I will thrive and grow and step into an abundant life. I will overflow with blessings in joy, wealth, love, and health.

I truly believe this, and each day I find a door open or a path laid out that leads me a step closer to my dreams. Each day I am filled with more hope.

Balancing Work and Rest

So, I am learning to balance work and rest. I am learning to find my groove and joy. I am learning, and someday I will look back and be so grateful for all the steps I took to get here.

Key Strategies for Balancing Work and Rest

Prioritize Self-Care: Schedule time for self-care activities such as reading, meditating, or taking a walk. Self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for maintaining your well-being.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries between work and personal time. Communicate these boundaries to family, friends, and colleagues to ensure they respect your need for rest.
Practice Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine. This could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths during a busy day or setting aside time for meditation.
Delegate Tasks: Learn to delegate tasks at work and home. You don’t have to do everything yourself. Trust others to help and lighten your load.
Create a Restful Environment: Designate a space in your home for relaxation. This could be a cozy corner with a comfortable chair and soft lighting where you can unwind.

Conclusion

Balancing work and rest is an ongoing journey. By recognizing the importance of rest and intentionally incorporating it into your life, you can break the cycle of constant productivity and find joy in both your work and personal life. Remember, it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to slow down. Embrace the healing power of stillness and find strength in the quiet moments. You are enough, just as you are.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children Despite a Toxic Upbringing

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Raising emotionally healthy children is a challenge for any parent, but it can be especially daunting for those who grew up in toxic environments. If you were raised by narcissistic or abusive parents, you might feel ill-equipped to provide the nurturing and stable environment your children need. However, breaking the cycle of emotional abuse is possible. With intentionality, education, and self-care, you can raise your children in a healthy and loving way. This blog will explore strategies for positive parenting, fostering emotional intelligence, and the importance of self-care for parents.

Understanding the Impact of a Toxic Upbringing

Growing up in a toxic environment can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and parenting style. If your parents were emotionally abusive, manipulative, or neglectful, you might struggle with self-esteem, trust issues, and anxiety. Recognizing these impacts is the first step toward healing and breaking the cycle of dysfunction.

Common Traits of a Toxic Upbringing

Lack of Emotional Support: Feeling unsupported or dismissed by your caregivers.
Manipulation and Control: Being manipulated or controlled through guilt, fear, or intimidation.
Inconsistent Parenting: Experiencing unpredictable or erratic behavior from your parents.
Emotional Neglect: Having your emotional needs ignored or minimized.

Understanding how these traits have affected you can help you become more aware of your behaviors and attitudes as a parent. It’s crucial to reflect on your past and seek professional help if needed to address unresolved issues.

Positive Parenting Strategies

Positive parenting focuses on building a healthy relationship with your child based on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Here are some strategies to help you practice positive parenting:

1. Establish Open Communication

Encourage your children to express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment. Create a safe space where they feel heard and validated.

Active Listening: Pay full attention to your child when they speak. Show empathy and understanding by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and responding thoughtfully.
Encourage Expression: Allow your children to express their emotions freely. Validate their feelings by acknowledging their experiences and offering support.

2. Set Consistent Boundaries

Children thrive in environments where boundaries are clear and consistent. Setting and enforcing rules helps them understand expectations and develop a sense of security.

Clear Expectations: Clearly communicate rules and expectations to your children. Explain the reasons behind the rules to help them understand their importance.
Consistent Consequences: Enforce consequences consistently when rules are broken. Ensure the consequences are fair and related to the behavior.

3. Use Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement encourages good behavior by rewarding positive actions. This can help build your child’s self-esteem and motivate them to continue behaving well.

Praise and Rewards: Acknowledge and praise your child’s positive behavior. Offer rewards such as stickers, extra playtime, or special treats to reinforce good actions.
Focus on Effort: Praise your child’s effort and perseverance rather than just the outcome. This helps them develop a growth mindset and resilience.

Fostering Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions. Developing emotional intelligence in your children can help them navigate social situations, build healthy relationships, and handle stress effectively.

1. Teach Emotional Awareness

Help your children identify and understand their emotions. Use age-appropriate language to discuss different feelings and their causes.

Emotion Vocabulary: Introduce a wide range of emotion words to your children. Use books, games, and conversations to expand their emotional vocabulary.
Model Emotional Awareness: Demonstrate emotional awareness by expressing your own feelings openly. Explain how you manage your emotions in various situations.

2. Encourage Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Teaching empathy can help your children develop compassion and build strong interpersonal relationships.

Role-Playing: Use role-playing exercises to teach your children how to put themselves in others’ shoes. Discuss different scenarios and how they would feel in each situation.
Discuss Emotions: Talk about how characters in books, movies, or real-life situations might be feeling. Encourage your children to consider others’ perspectives.

3. Teach Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation involves managing and responding to emotions in a healthy way. Help your children develop coping strategies to deal with strong emotions.

Calming Techniques: Teach your children calming techniques such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or visualization. Practice these techniques together during calm moments.
Problem-Solving Skills: Encourage your children to think of solutions to problems that cause emotional distress. Guide them through the process of identifying the problem, brainstorming solutions, and choosing the best course of action.

The Importance of Self-Care for Parents

Taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being is essential for effective parenting. Self-care helps you manage stress, maintain a positive outlook, and model healthy behavior for your children.

1. Prioritize Your Mental Health

Seek professional help if you struggle with unresolved trauma or mental health issues. Therapy can provide you with tools to cope with your past and improve your parenting skills.

Therapy and Counseling: Consider individual or family therapy to address any lingering effects of your toxic upbringing. Therapy can help you develop healthier relationships and parenting strategies.
Support Groups: Join support groups for parents who have experienced similar upbringings. Sharing your experiences and learning from others can be incredibly validating and empowering.

2. Establish a Self-Care Routine

Incorporate self-care activities into your daily routine to reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.

Physical Activity: Engage in regular physical activity such as walking, yoga, or dancing. Exercise helps reduce stress and improve mood.
Relaxation Techniques: Practice relaxation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or journaling. These activities can help you stay centered and calm.

3. Set Boundaries

Set boundaries with toxic family members to protect your mental health. Limiting contact with those who are emotionally abusive can help you focus on your well-being and your children’s needs.

Limit Contact: Reduce or eliminate contact with family members who are harmful to your mental health. Prioritize relationships that are supportive and nurturing.
Communicate Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to family members. Be firm and consistent in enforcing these boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

Conclusion

Breaking the cycle of toxic parenting is challenging but entirely possible. By practicing positive parenting, fostering emotional intelligence, and prioritizing self-care, you can raise emotionally healthy children despite your upbringing. Remember, the journey toward healthier parenting is ongoing, and seeking support when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your dedication to breaking the cycle will create a nurturing and loving environment for your children, helping them grow into resilient and emotionally intelligent individuals.

Breaking Free: Overcoming Toxic Motherhood Beliefs Imposed by Narcissistic Parents

Introduction: Navigating the intricate terrain of motherhood often entails confronting deeply ingrained beliefs and inherited traumas. For many, the journey is fraught with challenges exacerbated by the lingering echoes of a toxic upbringing. In this exploration, we delve into the transformative process of identifying and dismantling self-defeating beliefs instilled by narcissistic parents, illuminating the path toward liberation and self-empowerment.

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The Burden of Inherited Beliefs

As a new mom, I grappled with an ever-present fear of inadequacy. Every decision felt like a potential misstep, and I lacked confidence in my abilities. Alongside this uncertainty lurked a deeper dread of being labeled as “crazy” if I dared to voice my anxieties. While I recognize now that I likely experienced some level of postpartum anxiety, it was compounded by years of internalizing toxic messages from my parents, who constantly reinforced the notion that I wasn’t enough. This pervasive sense of unworthiness, deeply ingrained in my psyche, threatened to suffocate any semblance of joy or confidence in my role as a mother.

One particularly vivid belief haunted me: the fear that if my infant cried, authorities would swoop in and take them away from me. This irrational dread, triggered by the sound of my baby’s tears, stemmed from a childhood marked by my mother’s threats. I vividly recalled her menacing warnings that misbehavior would lead to our removal by child services, a tactic employed to enforce compliance and silence any mention of my father’s alcoholism.

Unraveling the Origins

Amidst the chaos of early motherhood, a moment of clarity emerged as I dared to confront the origins of my crippling beliefs. Through introspection and reflection, I unearthed memories of my mother’s ominous warnings of child services intervention, wielded as a weapon to enforce compliance and silence dissent. Recollections of her disdainful remarks and manipulative tactics flooded my mind, exposing the insidious influence of her narcissistic agenda. It became clear that these beliefs were not my own but a sinister legacy passed down through generations, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and despair.

Upon confronting the origins of this crippling belief, I unearthed a painful truth: it wasn’t my own voice echoing in my mind, but rather my mother’s manipulative tactics. Realizing this lifted a weight off my shoulders, allowing me to release the burden of a belief that wasn’t truly mine. It was a tool wielded by my narcissistic mother to conceal her shortcomings and maintain control over our family dynamic. Recognizing it for what it was—a manifestation of her narcissism—enabled me to reclaim my autonomy and break free from its grip.

Liberating Self from the Narcissistic Web

In the face of overwhelming darkness, a glimmer of hope emerged as I began to untangle the web of toxic thinking woven by my narcissistic mother. With each revelation, I reclaimed a piece of my identity and shattered the shackles of self-doubt that had bound me for so long. Realizing that these beliefs were not a reflection of my worth but a manifestation of her own insecurities, I embraced the power of self-awareness and introspection. By acknowledging the source of my pain and relinquishing its hold on my psyche, I embarked on a journey of healing and self-empowerment.

Navigating Motherhood Amidst Adversity

Despite the catharsis of self-discovery, the road to healing was fraught with obstacles, compounded by the presence of an abusive ex-partner. His relentless criticism and gaslighting tactics mirrored the patterns of my upbringing, triggering a resurgence of old wounds and self-doubt. Yet, in the midst of adversity, I found strength in vulnerability and resilience in self-awareness. By refusing to internalize his toxic narrative and reclaiming my agency as a mother, I forged a path forward rooted in authenticity and self-love.

Embracing Self-Empowerment

In the crucible of adversity, I discovered the transformative power of self-empowerment. Through the process of identifying and releasing false beliefs, I reclaimed my voice and embraced a newfound sense of purpose and resilience. Each step forward was a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the capacity for growth and healing. As I continue on my journey of self-discovery, I invite others to join me in challenging inherited narratives and forging a path toward liberation and self-empowerment.

Through introspection and self-awareness, we can break free from the shackles of inherited beliefs and reclaim our agency as mothers. By embracing vulnerability and authenticity, we pave the way for healing and self-empowerment, forging a path toward a brighter and more fulfilling future. If you struggle with self-doubt brought by childhood trauma, I encourage you to search into your memories and see if you can find the source of your fears and face them. By reclaiming our beliefs about self, we can truly be free of our past and step into a better, brighter future.

Unraveling the Complexities of Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother: Personal Stories and Insights

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I welcome you to share in the complexities of growing up with a narcissistic mother, as I share some personal stories and insights from my own past. Through these personal stories, I hope to shed light on the insidious nature of narcissistic behavior, offering insights into the impact it has on self-worth, boundaries, and emotional well-being. Join me on a journey of validation and healing, and hopefully empowering others to find solace and understanding in their own experiences.

A Mother’s Fantasy: The Façade of Perfection

Growing up, my mother was consumed by a fantasy world she crafted, where appearances and societal perceptions reigned supreme. Obsessed with projecting an image of the ideal family, she imposed unrealistic expectations on her children. From meticulously curated china cabinets to elaborate gift-giving rituals, her actions were driven not by genuine affection but by a desire to maintain her façade. Despite our efforts to please her, her constant dissatisfaction cast a shadow over every interaction.

Christmas Disillusionments: Tainted Traditions

Christmas, a time of joy and celebration, often underscored my mother’s narcissistic tendencies. I vividly recall one particular Christmas when my father, eager to please her, presented her with a lavish gift—a diamond tennis bracelet. Yet, her reaction was one of disappointment and frustration, highlighting the futility of attempting to satisfy her insatiable desires. Each year, her discontent tainted our cherished family traditions, leaving us feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.

In Christmas 1994, my dad recorded a VHS tape of one of our childhood celebrations, a cherished relic my youngest sister would revisit every summer. The footage captures the infectious excitement of us kids and the palpable magic of the holiday season, juxtaposed against my mother’s perennially discontented demeanor. Despite my dad’s earnest efforts, including the thoughtful gift of a china cabinet filled with exquisite porcelain, my mother remained unimpressed. Her subtle yet unmistakable expressions of dissatisfaction permeated the video, casting a shadow over what should have been a joyous occasion. Even now, as I reflect on that moment, I’m left pondering the underlying reasons behind her perpetual discontent. Even to this day, I never feet good about giving gifts, because my mom is horrible at faking enthusiasm, which I now wonder if it is a type of manipulation tactic.

The Weight of Expectations: Striving for Perfection

Growing up in such an environment, I felt the weight of my mother’s expectations bearing down on me. No achievement was ever enough, no gesture ever sufficient to earn her approval. The pursuit of perfection became a relentless burden, overshadowing my sense of self-worth and fueling a perpetual cycle of anxiety and self-doubt. Despite my best efforts, I always fell short of her impossibly high standards, trapped in a never-ending quest for validation.

If my grades slipped to a B, I got the message I was a disappointment, because perfection was the norm, and anything less was a problem. She assumed the worst of everything. If my grades slipped then it was because I was distracted by boys, or influenced by bad friends, none of which was true.

The Erosion of Boundaries: Intrusions into Privacy

My mother’s narcissism extended beyond mere dissatisfaction with material possessions; it seeped into every aspect of my life, eroding boundaries and invading privacy. She viewed me not as an individual, with autonomy, but as extensions of herself, entitled to control and manipulate as she saw fit. She read my diary, the journals I exchanged with friends, listened in on phone calls and rummaged through my room often. She felt it was her right as a parent to invade privacy.

In her mind we are completely enmeshed. I remember feeling that way too. I couldn’t figure out where I truly began and she ended. Her intrusions knew no bounds, leaving me feeling suffocated and powerless.

Awakening to Reality: The Journey to Self-Validation

Over time, I began to recognize the insidious nature of my mother’s behavior and the toll it had taken on my sense of self-worth. With the support of friends and the insight gained through therapy, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. I learned to set boundaries, reclaim my autonomy, and prioritize my own well-being, despite the guilt and manipulation tactics employed by my mother.

Finding Validation: Embracing the Truth

In hindsight, I realized that my mother’s behavior was not a reflection of my shortcomings but of her own insecurities and narcissism. Understanding this allowed me to release myself from the burden of guilt and self-blame, recognizing that her actions were not a reflection of my worth as a person. By validating my experiences and acknowledging the impact of her behavior, I reclaimed my agency and forged a path toward self-acceptance and healing.

I hope that by sharing these stories, and more it will encourage others to reflect and self-validate their own childhood trauma. You are enough, with your flaws and everything. I hope you can find your self-worth and step onto a path of healing by opening up about past trauma and letting go of guilt. You are valid, your experiences are valid, your feelings are valid.

Dealing with a Toxic Mother on Mother’s Day

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Dealing with a toxic mother on Mother’s Day can be a guilt ridden challenge, but you’re not alone. Mother’s Day in America falls in May, a time when society emphasizes honoring mothers. However, for those dealing with toxic or narcissistic mothers, this can be a challenging occasion. In light of this, the blog will focus on Mother-themed posts to help readers navigate this somewhat taboo topic.

Understanding the Impact of Toxic Mother-Daughter Relationships

Growing up with a toxic, narcissistic mother is an immense challenge that often goes unnoticed. As a child, it’s difficult to recognize toxicity in someone we’re taught to depend on and respect. My experience as the eldest daughter was suffused with pressure to meet my mother’s expectations. I became her sounding board, her therapist, and her helper, all while struggling with my own mental health. Conversations about my depression were met with dismissive responses, perpetuating a cycle of emotional neglect. This environment, compounded by an alcoholic father, led to years of emotional turmoil and self-doubt.

It wasn’t until much later, after pursuing a degree in psychology, that I began to understand the true nature of my mother’s behavior. Her obsession with appearances, manipulation tactics, and constant need for attention were classic traits of narcissism. Holidays, especially Mother’s Day, became centered around her, with little regard for the feelings of her children or anyone else.

When you’re dealing with a toxic mother on Mother’s Day the holiday feels like an obligation rather than a genuine expression of love. Every gesture, every gift, is tainted by guilt and resentment. Even after becoming a mother myself, I was expected to prioritize my mother’s needs over my own. It’s a cycle of manipulation and control that’s difficult to break free from.

Setting Boundaries: Prioritizing Self-Care and Well-being

Over time, I’ve learned to set boundaries and prioritize my own well-being. I’ve had to accept that my mother’s behavior is beyond my control and that I can’t change her. Instead, I focus on protecting myself and my own family from her toxic influence. It’s a journey filled with ups and downs, but ultimately, it’s about reclaiming my own sense of identity and self-worth.

Finding Empowerment: Reclaiming Your Identity

For those navigating Mother’s Day with a toxic mother, it’s important to prioritize self-care and set boundaries. Mindfulness practices can help identify triggers and cope with feelings of guilt and obligation. Whether it’s limiting contact, seeking therapy, or finding support from others who understand, there are ways to navigate this challenging relationship.

In the end, it’s essential to remember that you are enough, regardless of your relationship with your mother. You have the right to prioritize your own well-being and happiness, even on Mother’s Day. It may not be easy, but by honoring yourself and your own needs, you can begin to break free from the cycle of guilt and obligation.

My Existential Crisis and the Jellyfish

Finding Peace in Purposelessness

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Over a year ago, my world was rocked by a series of events that left me reeling. I lost my abusive, alcoholic father, and shortly after, a dear friend. Amidst this emotional turmoil, I was navigating the aftermath of a divorce, co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner, and dealing with my narcissistic mother’s selfish grief. Just as I was beginning to find my footing again in the workforce after a decade-long hiatus, I was struck by a car that ran a red light.

The impact was sudden, leaving me disoriented and in shock. Gratefully, kind strangers helped me out of the wreckage, and though physically shaken, I escaped with only minor injuries. However, the psychological aftermath was profound. The realization that my child could have been in the car with me, coupled with the visual of the damage inflicted, plunged me into a state of grief and existential questioning.

It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision

Since that moment, I’ve struggled to regain my former sense of self. It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision, leaving behind a numbness that dulled life’s vibrancy. Depression, grief, and an acute awareness of mortality weighed heavily on me, leading to an existential crisis unlike any I’d experienced before.

Raised in the evangelical church, I was instilled with the belief that life held purpose, that we must strive to achieve something meaningful in the eyes of a higher power. Coupled with the expectations placed upon me by narcissistic parents, this belief system only intensified my existential turmoil.

“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?”

“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?” These questions haunted me, gnawing at the edges of my consciousness. But amidst the darkness, a simple yet profound realization emerged—the jellyfish.

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I recalled watching these ethereal creatures, drifting effortlessly in a vast sea, their translucent forms pulsating with serene beauty. In that moment, I understood: we don’t need purpose to justify our existence. Like the jellyfish, we can simply be.

This revelation liberated me from the burden of expectation, allowing me to embrace the essence of my being without the pressure to conform to external standards. Instead of losing myself to this existential crisis and purposelessness, I shed the weight of creative projects and societal norms, finding solace in the simplicity of just being.

Though I may never fully regain the drive I once possessed, I’ve discovered a newfound sense of peace in surrendering to the ebb and flow of life. I no longer feel compelled to prove my worth or define myself by external measures of success. Instead, I find joy in the present moment, cherishing the small but meaningful contributions I make to the world around me.

To you, dear reader, I offer this simple truth: you are enough. Embrace the essence of your being, unfettered by the demands of society or the expectations of others. Like the jellyfish, drift along the currents of life, embracing the beauty of your existence without the need for purpose or validation. You are enough.

One Question Changed My Religion: How?

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_{Growing up Evangelical Christian, I struggled with the “how” of things. Overtime my struggle brought me out of religion all together and pushed me into a more spiritual practice. For now I would say I am more Pagan leaning in faith, but even that is a bit of a stretch. “Nonreligious” feels more accurate. Yet I was still searching for HOW to live a fulfilling life of peace.}

Over the years the one word question, how? pushed me to explore every aspect of my faith. I was told you are supposed to live righteously, but not HOW to apply this idea to every day life. I began to feel bored and frustrated every time I left a church service. This tug to a more practical practice eventually left me open to see the overreaching hypocrisy of those in religious leadership. Overtime my respect for the church and their doctrine diminished completely.

As I look inward and try to heal my traumatic past, I again find myself asking “how?”

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I tried participating in 12 Step programs to work through my codependency issues, as well as find healing from having alcoholics in my life. I really struggled with the fact that all the Al-Anon meetings in my area were at churches. The literature and structure of the meetings were too religious leaning for my taste (there is a lot of talk of a higher power or God). Lastly I did not like the fact you could not cross-talk (as in directly talk to someone during the meeting).

I understand that the cross-talk thing is to give space for everyone to speak their hearts, while also limiting advice giving, something codependents struggle with (many of us are rescuers in the relationship), but it felt like we were all talking at one another instead of with one another. All of those aspects reminded me a little too much of my past church life.

The part that finally pushed me away from 12 Step programs is that the literature and overall format feels very “fluffy” and lacking much substance to me. I found myself reading through the books and listening to the talks wondering “HOW?” Members at the meetings kept talking about living this peaceful serene life, but not HOW to live that life.

When I would ask how do I find that peace, I was directed back to the literature and told to follow the steps

When I would ask how do I find that peace, I was directed back to the literature and told to follow the steps. This alone felt too much like my evangelical upbringing, where if I asked HOW they said read your Bible everyday, pray, and repent of any wrongdoings.

Since 12 Steps and the Church did not give me practical how-to on living a peaceful, fulfilled, and healed life, I had to keep searching.

I finally found my HOW. Meditation and Mindfulness.

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During a particularly difficult period in my life the words “mindfulness meditation,” started popping up everywhere. I saw them on magazines lining the check-out at the grocery store and in social media posts. I signed up for emails to be a more peaceful parent, and the biggest advice was to start a meditation practice and get more mindful of your body to reset your triggers.

I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something, so I listened. I looked into mindfulness practices and meditation. I found that starting off with short guided mediations at night, or at least once a day, helped me get inside my body. I slowly connected to my feelings, even the deep uncomfortable ones. I started to know myself better. My triggers became clear, and so did a path through the big feelings.

I found a therapist who gave me some tips on how to break the flooding cycle I was stuck in. I’ll share this here, because in many ways it saved my life.

Simple How-To for stopping the flooding: Fight, Flight, or Freeze response:

First you tense your forehead for a few seconds, then relax.
Next tense your jaw, then relax.
Now your neck, relax.
Shoulders, relax.
Biceps. Relax.
On down through every part of your body to your toes.
Then do the whole thing again, two or three times.
Then you can tense your body all at once and relax.
Take a few deep breathes, breathing into the areas that might still be tense and let go.

That one method saved me from feeling completely stuck in the fear, flight, freeze mode. It moved me into clear thinking and helped me find a way out of the codependent life I had built. It’s such a simple thing. Just tensing parts of your body, then relaxing, but it took 36 years before anyone told me How to do it.

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I am much more consistent in my mediation these days than I was three years ago when I started this journey. When I feel stuck and wonder what to do or how to do something, I now check inward. There is this deep sense of knowing inside that helps me make the next decision. I am learning to trust myself and to rewrite false beliefs that held me captive from a fulfilled life. The more I practice getting in tune with my body the better I feel. The more confident I become in myself the faster I recognize when I am acting in an old, unhealthy or codependent way.

I don’t need a religious institute or 12 Steps to find my inner peace, it was here inside me all along.

Check out my other posts for more content about leaving religion and finding inner peace.

I Stopped Shaving, Now I’m Gay

When I stopped shaving I set off a chain reaction of choices that eventually led to my divorce and coming out to myself as gay.

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I stopped shaving my legs and underarms over a year ago. Any time I mentioned this to other women, they always asked in shocked awe, “Is your husband okay with that?” I wish I had answered with a confident, “My Body, My Rules,” but I didn’t have such confidence at the time. I simply knew I was done shaving and that my husband’s opinion on the matter did not actually matter. It was my choice and he couldn’t control that.

Of course, now I am going through a divorce, and my soon-to-be-ex-husband’s opinion matters even less.

He was fine with me not shaving, for those who are curious. He complained here and there while the stubble was pokey, but overall he didn’t make a big deal about it. It wasn’t like I regularly shaved. I hated shaving, so I shaved maybe once every two weeks, and always missed spots (thanks nearsightedness).

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When my eczema got to the point that I wanted to peel off my skin just to stop the intense burning itchiness, I said no more razors. I almost always got razor burn and never wore anything that showed my legs anyways. The decision to stop shaving felt like freedom, and it would be the first of many such freedoms.

I did not immediately go full hairy leg, that would come later. For a while I would use a trimmer to trim the hair, which was less irritating to my skin than a razor. Eventually I got tired of bothering to keep my legs smooth. My eczema was still raging strong on my shins and I just wanted to stop making it worse. So I grew out my leg hair and embraced freedom.

I asked myself why was I shaving to begin with? Who was it for? Not me, I can tell you that.

I hated shaving. Then I wondered why was it shameful for a woman to have hairy legs while men were allowed to grow their body hair wherever and however they wanted?

The answers to these questions led me on a soul searching journey.

Society wants women to look juvenile. From plastic surgery to dying away the grey women are targeted to stay looking younger for as long as possible. This runs counter my own values. I want to age with grace and beauty, accepting all facets of the aging process, wrinkles, grey hair, and all. So why the heck was I shaving my legs when I hated it? I certainly wasn’t shaving for me. I also didn’t care about looking young forever.

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I then looked into health benefits of shaving. I wanted to know if there was anything beneficial to shaving leg hair, though the fact men were allowed to have leg hair would have answered this question straight away, I wanted to be thorough. Turns out Ancient Egyptians and Greeks shaved almost all the hair on their body because it was a symbol of status to be clean shaven. Lower class had body hair and pests. Shaving supposedly rid their bodies of lice, fleas, and other pests.

Pest are not a problem for me and I don’t believe leg hair is a determining factor in beauty. I was happy with my research. If I wasn’t shaving for me, then I didn’t need to shave or even trim at all. Done.

I am now a happy hairy legged lady. I have no regrets. My skin feels healthier than ever.

I have a good moisturizer that helps with the eczema and now that I no longer shave it has calmed down. I haven’t had a bad rash or burning itch in almost a year.

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The beautiful biproduct of making the choice to stop shaving helped me realize I could make decisions that were centered on what I wanted not what society or another person wanted. This revolutionized my thinking. I started wondering what other areas of my life I was compromising for others and not myself? I started to re-center my thoughts to what I really wanted.

This would open the doors to finally accepting my sexuality, my being gay. (You can read more about that on my previous posts). It also led to realizing that I didn’t like my marriage. I didn’t like who I was with my husband. I didn’t like who he was in recent days. Our dynamic was toxic and neither of us were growing within the confines of our marriage. It was time to really think about what I wanted and take the steps to make meaningful changes. When I told my husband the things I wanted from our marriage, he said he wanted different things. Our marriage had run its course. It was time to part and grow on our own.

I am growing. Learning. And fully coming into my own.

It may seem a simple thing, not shaving, but it runs against what society thinks which is hard for me to counter. I was conditioned to consider everyone else first. To think how it would look to other people. Now I am relearning to think for myself. To ask what I think before anyone else.

It is my hope that as more people make choices for themselves and celebrate their individuality society will change. I hope others embrace their true selves and move towards living authentic, vulnerable, lives, hairy legs and all.

Blessed Be

Learn more about my coming out journey and how I broke away from rigid religiosity on my other posts:

What is Love? My Search for Peace

Growing up my ideas about love centered on rules and expectations. I grew up idolizing self-sacrifice as the ultimate expression of love. The God of my childhood sacrificed his only son in order to save mortals. Even though Jesus himself didn’t want to die on the cross, he had to do it for the sake of all the sinners.

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Mortals are meant to emulate God. The best way to show love to another person is to sacrifice yourself. Dying for someone, being a martyr, were all seen as being like God and showing God’s love, which is more important than any other expression of love.

Even the society and culture outside of the Evangelical Church taught that love was all about putting others first. Many films and fairytales center on heroes and heroines who give things up to show their love.

Fairytales are Filled with themes of submissiveness and self-sacrifice

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The Little Mermaid leaves behind her powerful voice and fins for love. In the original she becomes sea foam, because she did not kill the prince she loved, which would have returned her to the sea. The moral is it’s better to die for love than to live for yourself. Another theme is to change everything about yourself to fit the image of the person you love instead of being authentically you.

Another classic Fairytale that teaches submission is Cinderella. Poor Cinderella is rewarded with a gown, shoes, a night out, and eventually a prince because she constantly puts her evil stepfamily’s needs above her own. Despite being constantly abused she smiles. The moral of her story is that submission is more rewarding than standing up for oneself.

These stories also show that love is rewarded with a man, a marriage, which will lead to happily ever after. A woman’s reward is to continue being submissive to her spouse and sacrificing herself for her children.

I Now know that love starts with self-love, not self-sacrifice.

It hass taken a lot to come to this conclusion. It’s taken having a child and wanting to not only be better for myself but create a better world for him. Learning to be a better parent means healing childhood wounds by loving myself.

I cannot love others until I love myself, fully, unconditionally, accepting all my flaws and insecurities. This is so foreign to me, yet so freeing. My greatest moments of peace have been when I accept and love myself as I am. Instead of looking inside for all my flaws and criticizing myself, I now look inside and see someone who is working to be better each day, and that is beautiful.

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Through meditation I’ve learned it’s okay to have strange thoughts. I don’t have to judge everything that drifts through my mind, every criticism and doubt. There is power in simply acknowledging the thoughts exist without keeping them and making them mine. I can release them and feel freedom in the peace that comes after.

Until now I felt responsible for everyone else’s thoughts and feelings.

I grew up being told that I was part of the reason my parents were miserable. There was a lot of pressure on success, perfection, and submission. I wanted to be loved and felt that being perfect was the only way to achieve that. Love was something you earned by doing all the right things, by being kind and submissive.

I was assaulted twice in high school. Purity Culture taught me that how I dressed and behaved could bring on an assault, so when it happened I believed it was because of something I did. Because I liked the people who assaulted me I stayed quiet fearing I would lose them. Sacrificing my physical autonomy was part of love. This is a lie. Let me repeat that… sacrificing your physical autonomy IS NOT LOVE.

Loving yourself is learning to set healthy boundaries.

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I now love myself so much I say “NO” proudly and firmly. I can put my needs and feelings first, in healthy, safe, kind ways. This doesn’t mean I tell people off and act mean. I set boundaries with frim kindness, a technique I am still working on. I tell the other person what I will or will not tolerate, and then explain what the consequence is if they push my boundary.

Now that I am learning to live a separate life from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I have to make decisions for me, and my child. I no longer put anyone else’s feelings or thoughts into the equation. It’s so strange, but so freeing. I can make a decision that is best for me without having to worry about someone else’s reactions.

I am becoming more confident with each new decision and growing into a new person who loves herself.

So what is Love to me now?

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Instead of being patient, kind, self-sacrificing, I think Love is being authentic, honest, and straightforward. Love is accepting things as they are, knowing I’m not perfect, others aren’t perfect, but not tolerating rudeness or abuse. It’s setting firm but kind boundaries. Telling people how I want to be treated and not tolerating being treated less.

If my boundary is not being called names, then I say that and if the other person starts calling me names I point this out and tell them I will not tolerate it, and end the conversation.

Love is knowing myself and living the fullness and wonder of all that I am.

Love is Kindness to me first, then to others. As I learn to be kind to myself I fill myself with the energy and compassion that can be then given to others.

I am love and love flows through me.

Blessed Be.

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