I have been in a state of grief for several years. Going through a pandemic has only made this grief stronger. In all this time I have finally made peace with my grief and have found there is healing on the other side.
My grieving started when I finally faced the “mother wound,” or the hurts from childhood that had not fully healed. I thought that was all I was dealing with, old wounds that need to be reexamined in light of a safe environment. Turns out I was also grieving a childhood and a whole other part of myself. My queerness.
Grief is not a comfortable feeling. Like my previous post about outgrowing your skin and becoming free, grief feels like you’re being suffocated. It feels like depression, and sometimes anger. Grief cloaks you in heaviness and weighs you down. Unprocessed grief will keep you stuck, anchored in misery.
I was anchored in misery, when I finally had a break through thanks to therapy.
I was depressed for months before the pandemic hit. Then we were forced to stay indoors, cramped together. I started facing myself and looking within. What I found shocked me back into grief, but this time I was able to go through my grief. I finally faced what was true and now for the first time in YEARS I feel like I can breathe.
I started unraveling my feelings towards my husband. It was easier to focus on his flaws than it was to look inside and say, hey, I’m queer. It was easier to point outward and play victim than own up to my truth and make the inherit changes needed.
Once I said, I’m queer and no longer want a heterosexual relationship the grieving process started all over again.
This time I was letting go of hetero-normative ideals. Letting go of the life I thought I was living. The lies I had armed myself with. I was facing the truth for the first time and finally accepting it. I had to grieve the lies I had told my spouse. Grieve the broken promises and the visions of a future that will no longer be.
There are moments where my grief feels so great I have to stop, sit down, and just sob.
I let these feeling roll through me like crashing waves. Let them flow with all the ugly tears and wrenching sobs. When I give my grief space to exist, it tells me I am finally letting go. I am finally moving forward, and yes it hurts. Pain isn’t something to push away anymore, it’s time to face it, accept it, and finally feel it.
Now that I have been feeling the pain of grief, I am starting to feel the hope and healing that comes after.
There is healing at the end of the grief cycle. Accepting what I am, who I have always been, is so liberating. I feel joy in ways I never could before. I didn’t realize how much of myself was buried under the constant need to please, and be what others expected of me. Now that I am grieving that failure, I can find my new place, my new life, and who I have always been.
I am excited, though scared, and ready to start this new chapter. I still have moments of grief. I’m sure I will continue to, and that’s okay. I’m going to give my grief a safe place to exist and stop pushing it away, no matter how painful it might be. The more I do this the easier the grief is to feel, and the quicker it passes on, bringing a lighter heart and hope for a brighter future.
After the rain comes Rainbows.
Read more about Mindful Healing and my journey to letting go of self-hate: