Finding Peace in Purposelessness
Over a year ago, my world was rocked by a series of events that left me reeling. I lost my abusive, alcoholic father, and shortly after, a dear friend. Amidst this emotional turmoil, I was navigating the aftermath of a divorce, co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner, and dealing with my narcissistic mother’s selfish grief. Just as I was beginning to find my footing again in the workforce after a decade-long hiatus, I was struck by a car that ran a red light.
The impact was sudden, leaving me disoriented and in shock. Gratefully, kind strangers helped me out of the wreckage, and though physically shaken, I escaped with only minor injuries. However, the psychological aftermath was profound. The realization that my child could have been in the car with me, coupled with the visual of the damage inflicted, plunged me into a state of grief and existential questioning.
It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision
Since that moment, I’ve struggled to regain my former sense of self. It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision, leaving behind a numbness that dulled life’s vibrancy. Depression, grief, and an acute awareness of mortality weighed heavily on me, leading to an existential crisis unlike any I’d experienced before.
Raised in the evangelical church, I was instilled with the belief that life held purpose, that we must strive to achieve something meaningful in the eyes of a higher power. Coupled with the expectations placed upon me by narcissistic parents, this belief system only intensified my existential turmoil.
“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?”
“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?” These questions haunted me, gnawing at the edges of my consciousness. But amidst the darkness, a simple yet profound realization emerged—the jellyfish.
I recalled watching these ethereal creatures, drifting effortlessly in a vast sea, their translucent forms pulsating with serene beauty. In that moment, I understood: we don’t need purpose to justify our existence. Like the jellyfish, we can simply be.
This revelation liberated me from the burden of expectation, allowing me to embrace the essence of my being without the pressure to conform to external standards. Instead of losing myself to this existential crisis and purposelessness, I shed the weight of creative projects and societal norms, finding solace in the simplicity of just being.
Though I may never fully regain the drive I once possessed, I’ve discovered a newfound sense of peace in surrendering to the ebb and flow of life. I no longer feel compelled to prove my worth or define myself by external measures of success. Instead, I find joy in the present moment, cherishing the small but meaningful contributions I make to the world around me.
To you, dear reader, I offer this simple truth: you are enough. Embrace the essence of your being, unfettered by the demands of society or the expectations of others. Like the jellyfish, drift along the currents of life, embracing the beauty of your existence without the need for purpose or validation. You are enough.