As I have come to terms with my own sexuality I have come to realize all the many ways I have internalized homophobia. The adults in my life, namely my parents, spoke very negatively about homosexuality. They spoke of gays and lesbians in the same with the same tone reserved for perverts and rapists. The biggest authority in my life, the church, viewed homosexuality as something to hate and hide.
When I was a kid my best friend was a boy. We played all the time. He would pretend to be Link from the video game, Zelda, and I would pretend to be a magic unicorn. It was parallel play at its finest. He did his thing, I did mine, but we were together in a world of our own.
This friendship dissolved as we grew and the teasing began. Since I was a girl and he was boy, according to early elementary school logic we must have been in love. Boys had cooties, so did girls, and my playing with a boy went against the gender norms of the playground. The only reason a boy and girl could play together was if they were in love, and love was for grown-ups, thus should be teased mercilessly.
I can’t recall exactly why, but I remember being very mad at my friend. I think it had something to do with all the teasing. Regardless, I was angry and called him the worst thing I could think of at the time, even though I had no idea what it meant. I called him a F*gg*t.
I called him the worst thing I could think of at the time, even though I had no idea what it meant.
I had no clue why f*gg*t was bad, just that it was. My mother always said it in the same tone she used to talk about sickos who hurt children, and dangerous people. She later called Ellen DeGeneres and Rosie O’Donnell “sickos,” in this same tone.
I called my friend this horrible thing, and stormed off. In my memories he vanished after that. Really I think it was probably near the end of the school year and he just didn’t come back to the same school. It’s possible I was angry because he was moving or leaving the school and we would never see each other.
I can’t remember the exact details of that moment, just the horrible sense of regret when that word left my mouth.
I can’t remember all details of that moment, just the horrible sense of regret when that word left my mouth. To this day I wish I could apologize to this friend. I now know what that word means and how it harms those in the LGBTQ community. That word and others hurt me and kept me from facing my own truth.
As I have come to terms with my own sexuality I have come to realize all the many ways I have internalized homophobia. The adults in my life, namely my parents and those they listened to (Rush Limbaugh for one) spoke very negatively about homosexuality. They spoke of gays and lesbians like they were perverts and rapists. The biggest authority in my life, the church, viewed homosexuality as something to hate and hide.
I’m an artist, I told myself, I just want to see how to draw boobs better, nevermind the fact I own a pair myself.
I remember scouring through gaming magazines and staring at the women. I’m an artist, I told myself, I just want to see how to draw boobs better, nevermind the fact I own a pair myself. In college I watched the movie, “But I’m a Cheerleader,” and felt personally offended. I felt everyone in the movie was pushing their ideas onto the main character. Everyone else had decided she was gay, it didn’t come from her sense of self. Of course she would be grossed out by her boyfriend French kissing her, French kissing is gross!
I identified with the main character so much I was offended on her behalf. When in truth, I was dealing with my internalized homophobia and was just like her. I was ignoring the rainbow flags in my own life that would point the way to my same-sex attraction.
I was ignoring the rainbow flags in my own life that would point the way to my same-sex attraction.
My childhood was very sexualized. That’s the flip-side of purity culture, it creates this sexual curiosity and frustration. It centers adolescence around sex. I cannot tell you how often the church talked about sex . It was the THE thing that always came up. It also strips children of their sexual autonomy. Your body is not your own, it belongs to God, which means it belongs to the Church, or your parents.
I was taught my body belongs to something bigger. That belief kept me in a miserable marriage for so long. I continued having sex because a wife’s duty is to please her husband. A wife must make her husband happy, and sex was the way to make him happy. It was my godly duty to have children, even if I wasn’t ready for them. Then it was my duty to put those children before myself.
All of that to say, if my body was not mine, how could I really be in tuned with what I wanted?
All of that to say, if my body was not mine, how could I really be in tuned with what I wanted? When asked in bed what I wanted to do sexually, I never had a clue. Slowly I started to realize what I wanted, and it did not involve a man. Slowly I started to accept myself and unlearn my internalized homophobia. SLOWLY, like not until my mid-thirties slow.
To this day I deeply regret calling my childhood friend a F*gg*t. Even though I didn’t know the definition of that word, I knew the connotation. I said it to hurt and wound my friend. I wish I could tell him sorry. We were only seven or eight years old, but I have thought about that moment often over the last thirty-odd years. I don’t know if he understood what I said, or what it meant, I surely didn’t, but still, I wish I could apologize.
I also deeply regret using that word with the intent to harm.
Many labels and words are used to demean LGTBQ people. I am thankful that many in the LGBTQ community have reclaimed these labels. They have turned them around to bring power.
As I overcome my internalized homophobia, I have grown to like the word Queer. I like the way it sounds, the way it feels on my tongue. I like the way it means odd and different, for I have felt those words my whole life. I like it better than Lesbian or Bi or even Pan. I have tried these labels on like ill-fitting clothes. I’ve said them out-loud to myself. I also like the word Gay, even though it’s meant to label men who love men. I like the way Gay also means happy. Gay is the word I used when I fully came out to myself, my husband, and my therapist.
I have settled on calling myself Queer for now. I sometimes call myself a Lesbian. It’s a new word for me, a word that feels strange and foreign, but also like something I should reach out to and try on.
Funny how such a small word can make such a huge difference
Funny how such a small word can make such a huge difference. How it can uproot an entire family. Shake up the norm and redefine relationships. I am hopeful it will also bring joy and happiness.
I have learned and grown since my childhood. In overcoming internalized homophobia, I have come to find words can hurt and they can heal. I am choosing to use words to heal. I am choosing to redefine my language and my labels. I am learning to accept other people’s definitions, labels, and even pronouns.
We only have one life. We get to choose how we live it. Do we live it with love and light or hide in shame and fear? I choose love and light.
Since I cannot find my old friend and say sorry to him, I will say sorry to you. If you have ever had labels and words used against you, I’m sorry. If you’ve been wounded by the societal norm, I’m sorry. There are those, like myself, who are redefining language and labels. Those who are choosing words to heal instead of harm.
I hope you find healing.
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