Sitting with my fears, anger, and other big feelings is not an easy task. I was raised to ignore, to shut down, to put myself last. I am learning to unlearn the coping skills of my past.
This is codependency at its finest.
Growing up my family was more important that myself. The raging alcoholic and the enmeshed matriarch were the ones who had the biggest needs. There was no space, no comfort, no soothing for me to explore my feelings. I had to be an adult. I had to comfort my parent who felt worn down because of the addict. I had to care for my siblings, and shoulder the burdens of everyone in the house.
I felt like the glue holding it all together, but I was constantly falling apart.
I felt like the glue holding it all together, but I was constantly falling apart. There were and still are many cracks in my being. Holes and wounds invisible to the eye, but felt in every moment of my day. These are the child wounds I never healed. These are the fears and doubts and big emotions I was not allowed to safely experience. I became terrified of not only my feelings, but other people’s feelings too.
Anger is a huge trigger for me.
Anger is a huge trigger for me. When someone raises their voice I start to shut down, hiding and trembling deep inside myself. I fret and sweat and my heart races. I am worried that the person angry at me will lose control.
When I feel angry, I fear I will lose control. That anger will rage out of me like the Hulk, and I will sit outside myself feeling shame and guilt. This, sadly, was how I handled much anger in my life. I either shut down or lost control.
The key to healing those wounds is to let them be felt
I have recently learned that the key to healing those wounds is to let them be felt. This sounds crazy. Why suffer the negative feelings? Why pull up all that old hurt?
The answer is to heal it.
If I don’t heal the mother wound, the inner child, the past, I cannot enter a healthy future. If I don’t clean the old wounds of their infections I will continue to suffer and lose myself.
Now, I try to sit with my feelings. To become aware of what I physically feel in my body. Give the emotions a name, identify what they are, and if possible, where they are truly coming from. Then I am able to let them wash away. I can accept myself as I am, broken, but still alive, still making progress.
Mindfulness has helped me immensely in this process. I sit quietly and simply acknowledge what I feel, where I feel it, and pay attention to it. Then I move on, without judging the emotion or physical reaction.
I used to try pushing away all the feelings, which only made them push back. I struggled against fear and anger, now I sit back and let them happen. I feel the anger, I call it by name, I thank it (silently of course) for being present inside me, for showing me something important.
Anger is usually present to show something is unjust, unfair, or goes against one of my values
I find that for me, anger is usually present to show something is unjust, unfair, or goes against one of my values. Anger is important because it helps identify what’s important to me. I don’t have to be afraid when I get angry. I don’t have to react when I get angry. I can simply accept my anger. Then I can work out solutions to why I feel angry and solve any problems my anger has shown me. Knowing why I feel what I feel is empowering and helps me let go easier.
Knowing why I feel what I feel is empowering and helps me let go easier.
Fear is the same. I feel it, I calm my heart and remind myself that I am safe. I breathe into the fear and any tension in my body and try to relax those muscles and areas. It helps. I realize what I’m afraid of isn’t what I thought, and that my fears may not be as extreme as first imagined. I am safe. I can take steps to remain safe if things escalate. I know what to do if my big fear starts to become real, and that is empowering.
Fear tells me that something could go wrong. That pain might be coming.
It’s okay to feel fear. Fear tells me that something could go wrong. That pain might be coming. It helps me be aware of myself and others.
I don’t have to live in fear. I don’t have to let it flood me. I can breathe it in, let it exist, and breathe it out again. I know what to do, that alone gives me power to let the fear go. I can then plan for worse case scenarios from a clear mind.
The little child I was in the past is a grown adult now. I no longer rely on my parents, I can rely on myself. That alone is powerful.
I can sit with my big emotions, give myself a hug, validate my feelings, and move on with peace and acceptance.
I am enough.
And so are you.