Growing up in an environment filled with fear, chaos, and insecurity can set a rocky foundation for the rest of your life. Childhood trauma has profound effects, often manifesting in unhealthy patterns that carry over into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships. This blog explores how childhood trauma creates challenges in forming healthy relationships and offers strategies for breaking the cycle.
The Rocky Foundation of Childhood Trauma
Growing up, my home was a battleground of emotional turbulence. My father was an alcoholic who used passive-aggressive methods to control and manipulate our family. Instead of having a straightforward conversation about using less water in the shower, he would shove objects into the shower head to limit the water flow—a petty and indirect way to express his dissatisfaction. This type of “read between the lines” behavior was a daily occurrence.
My mother, a vulnerable narcissist, was obsessed with how every behavior was perceived by outsiders. She refused to have healthy conversations and always passed off blame and responsibility to everyone else, leaving me, the eldest child, to shoulder the burden. I carried the weight of my mother’s emotions and the responsibility of raising my younger siblings.
The Impact of Toxic Parenting
The combination of my parents’ mental health issues created a perfect storm. Yelling and arguing were the norms in our house, but we weren’t allowed to tell anyone outside the family about how bad things were. On one hand, we were walking on eggshells, never knowing what would cause my dad to erupt and start yelling at us. On the other hand, my mom refused to allow us to bring up these issues with outsiders to get help. My dad constantly criticized us, saying things like, “What do I have three kids for if you can’t even…”—insert whatever chore he was upset about at the moment. I felt like an object or possession of my parents instead of a living, breathing, thinking child.
Developing Self-Loathing and Insecurity
This toxic environment brewed a lot of self-loathing, insecurity, and false beliefs about adulthood and marriage. I knew my family system was damaged, but I couldn’t define what that meant, nor did I have the self-awareness to understand my own needs. I was so busy being the mother figure to my siblings and parents that my own emotional well-being and health declined significantly, resulting in bouts of depression and high-functioning anxiety.
The Pattern of Toxic Relationships
When I finally started dating, I almost always chose troubled young men. They were toxic and did not respect or love me in a healthy way. I now realize that I was trying to fill the void left by my father figure and was stuck in heteronormative thinking, believing that the only right way to leave my family was to marry a man. Growing up in deep purity culture further limited my beliefs about marriage, keeping me stuck in a toxic environment with my parents. I truly believed the only proper way to leave the family home was to marry and start a new family with a man. This was the biggest lie I believed about myself. I didn’t have the freedom or luxury of self-exploration because my parents’ needs and emotions were always more important.
Overlooking Red Flags in Relationships
When I finally started dating my ex and got serious, I knew things weren’t great, but I overlooked many red flags because, in my opinion, it wasn’t as bad as my parents’ relationship. The bar was set so low by my parents’ marriage that I completely overlooked many warning signs in my own relationships. I thought, at least this person cares about my feelings. I was heavily love-bombed at the beginning of my relationship with my ex and fell into the intensity of the relationship.
I ended up experiencing the same chaotic environment in my own marriage because that’s what was normal to me. When you grow up in chaos, peace feels uncomfortable. You are so used to the rocky insecurity of life that safety feels dull, and you might overlook a healthy relationship because it doesn’t give you the same rush of emotions as an unhealthy one. There are chemical reasons for this, too. Like an addiction, your body becomes accustomed to the highs and lows of toxic, abusive relationships, so you seek them out in your own relationships after leaving your family.
Admitting the Truth and Starting to Heal
Once I finally admitted my ex was abusive, it opened the door to start healing my childhood wounds. I’ve come a long way, and I continue to face my false beliefs and rewrite my thinking every day.
Strategies for Breaking the Cycle
- Acknowledge Your Trauma: The first step in breaking the cycle is acknowledging that your childhood experiences have shaped your perceptions and behaviors. Understand that your upbringing was not your fault and that you have the power to change your future.
- Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in unpacking childhood trauma. A professional therapist can help you understand your past and develop strategies for building healthier relationships.
- Set Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. This is crucial in preventing toxic relationships from forming and protecting your emotional well-being.
- Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-love. Engage in activities that make you feel good and help you recharge. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary.
- Develop Emotional Intelligence: Work on understanding and managing your emotions. Emotional intelligence can help you navigate relationships more effectively and avoid repeating unhealthy patterns.
- Educate Yourself: Read books, attend workshops, and seek out resources that can help you understand the impact of childhood trauma and how to overcome it. Knowledge is power.
- Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. A strong support network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to heal and grow.
- Reflect and Journal: Spend time reflecting on your experiences and writing them down. Journaling can help you process your emotions and gain insights into your behavior patterns.
- Forgive Yourself: Understand that healing is a process, and you will make mistakes along the way. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and focus on the progress you’re making.
- Stay Committed to Growth: Healing from childhood trauma is an ongoing journey. Stay committed to your personal growth and continue working towards building healthier relationships.
Conclusion
Childhood trauma can set a rocky foundation, leading to toxic romantic relationships later in life. However, by acknowledging your past, seeking help, and actively working on your personal growth, you can break the cycle and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. Remember, you are not defined by your past, and you have the power to create a better future for yourself. Stay committed to your healing journey and embrace the possibility of a life filled with love, respect, and emotional well-being.