I lost faith in Christianity because of a one word question:
How?
As a child magic and miracles seemed interchangeable. At one point I believed I could control the wind or change traffic lights with my mind. Jesus and Santa Clause were both eternal beings who granted your requests, one through a letter, the other through a prayer. Miracles were real, but magic and fairies were not.
Over time I watched people I love struggle with health issues, either from birth, or through no fault of their own. I watched as seemingly innocent people suffered great loss from natural events, or wars, or mass murders. I struggled to understand How a God of Love could allow the world to suffer, allow the humans he supposedly valued more than His own Son, to suffer. How could love let pain endure?
The answers were vast and thin.
God’s ways are not man’s ways.
We cannot understand the mind of Christ.
He works in mysterious ways.
These answers did not satisfy my endless question of How? If God is Love, how does suffering continue? I swallowed down my doubts and tried to believe in the bigger picture. I observed the world and searched for clues as to how pain and suffering led to a greater good. Yet, I failed.
The world’s suffering grew too big for my understanding of God.
There was the bigger How… How do I live the life God wants? God was a jealous, angry God waiting around to strike me dead for even thinking sinfully. If, my own private thoughts were not safe, how then, did I find purity? How could I escape the damnation of my soul lamenting in an endless lake of fire?
The pastors and preachers demanded that all sinners must be saved. The phrase, “go and sin no more,” was a constant plea. There was no guide as to HOW to accomplish this fete.
There were endless tales of mortals who met their doom right after refusing to ask Jesus in their hearts. Modest, moral folks were decapitated right outside the church parking-lot, after refusing to ask Jesus into their hearts.
A simple prayer was all it took to be saved.
Repeating the Sinner’s Prayer was the magic ticket to heaven. Mass murders could get out of Hell Free by praying. Death is all around in the church. Statues of the dying Jesus are often on display as a reminder of our mortality.
This constant fear left me ill-at-ease within the church. The Bible itself says that “perfect Love casts out all fear” (1 John 4:18). The idea that I should follow God, or Jesus out of fear has never sat right with me.
Another thing that doesn’t sit right with me are the many contradictions in the Bible. The simple fact that historical evidence and Biblical context do not always meet up.
There were many inconsistencies with the theology of the church, the mixed messages of the Bible, and the hypocrisy of those who practiced the religion. Ultimately, I lost faith in Christianity because of the hypocrisy and hate I saw in a faith was was supposedly founded in love.
Spiritual Bullies were the leaders in the church.
Pastors, teachers, even youth ministers knew how to use the scripture to move the hearts of their audience to react. Searching the crowd for that ultimate reaction, the Prayer of Salvation.
I, myself practiced manipulation by using scripture and fear of eternal flames to “Save” souls. I truly believed I was doing the “good work” by using specific Bible verses to force conviction. Once, I tried to convince someone to stop lying all the time by reading as many verses about the evils of lying as I could find. Afterwards, a much more spiritual person than I pointed out what I was doing was manipulative.
My first Confession of a Spiritual Bully is to Jesus.
Jesus commanded to “Love your neighbor as yourself,” (Matthew 22:39), that “true religion is caring for the orphan and the widow,” (James 1:27), and “whatever you do to the least of these, you do unto me,” (Matthew 25:40-45). The same man who commanded that you “judge not lest you be judged,” and “tend to the mote in your own eye before worrying over the speck in your brothers.” (paraphrase of Matthew 7: 1-4)
I want to say, I’m sorry Jesus. I did not follow your principles or your values. Walking away from religion and reading your words under a fresh light has brought me closer to your teachings. I no longer call myself by your name, but I still value your messages.
Not all churches are as manipulative as the ones I grew up in. Not all Christians are hypocrites.
Yet, I have lost faith in Christianity. Instead of believing in some God above, I now search the soul within. I look to the spirit already inside of me, who weeps and mourns for those who struggle. Who wants to give to the agencies that will help in crisis. The one who can rise up from the ashes of the world and do something, however small, to help the present world crisis.
Now when I see a problem and think How, I work to find some action to take. I am finding my how, and I don’t need religion to help me.