mindfulness Archives - Losing Faith, Finding Spirit

Rebuilding Foundations: Overcoming Childhood Trauma to Foster Healthy Relationships

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Growing up in an environment filled with fear, chaos, and insecurity can set a rocky foundation for the rest of your life. Childhood trauma has profound effects, often manifesting in unhealthy patterns that carry over into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships. This blog explores how childhood trauma creates challenges in forming healthy relationships and offers strategies for breaking the cycle.

The Rocky Foundation of Childhood Trauma

Growing up, my home was a battleground of emotional turbulence. My father was an alcoholic who used passive-aggressive methods to control and manipulate our family. Instead of having a straightforward conversation about using less water in the shower, he would shove objects into the shower head to limit the water flow—a petty and indirect way to express his dissatisfaction. This type of “read between the lines” behavior was a daily occurrence.

My mother, a vulnerable narcissist, was obsessed with how every behavior was perceived by outsiders. She refused to have healthy conversations and always passed off blame and responsibility to everyone else, leaving me, the eldest child, to shoulder the burden. I carried the weight of my mother’s emotions and the responsibility of raising my younger siblings.

The Impact of Toxic Parenting

The combination of my parents’ mental health issues created a perfect storm. Yelling and arguing were the norms in our house, but we weren’t allowed to tell anyone outside the family about how bad things were. On one hand, we were walking on eggshells, never knowing what would cause my dad to erupt and start yelling at us. On the other hand, my mom refused to allow us to bring up these issues with outsiders to get help. My dad constantly criticized us, saying things like, “What do I have three kids for if you can’t even…”—insert whatever chore he was upset about at the moment. I felt like an object or possession of my parents instead of a living, breathing, thinking child.

Developing Self-Loathing and Insecurity

This toxic environment brewed a lot of self-loathing, insecurity, and false beliefs about adulthood and marriage. I knew my family system was damaged, but I couldn’t define what that meant, nor did I have the self-awareness to understand my own needs. I was so busy being the mother figure to my siblings and parents that my own emotional well-being and health declined significantly, resulting in bouts of depression and high-functioning anxiety.

The Pattern of Toxic Relationships

When I finally started dating, I almost always chose troubled young men. They were toxic and did not respect or love me in a healthy way. I now realize that I was trying to fill the void left by my father figure and was stuck in heteronormative thinking, believing that the only right way to leave my family was to marry a man. Growing up in deep purity culture further limited my beliefs about marriage, keeping me stuck in a toxic environment with my parents. I truly believed the only proper way to leave the family home was to marry and start a new family with a man. This was the biggest lie I believed about myself. I didn’t have the freedom or luxury of self-exploration because my parents’ needs and emotions were always more important.

Overlooking Red Flags in Relationships

When I finally started dating my ex and got serious, I knew things weren’t great, but I overlooked many red flags because, in my opinion, it wasn’t as bad as my parents’ relationship. The bar was set so low by my parents’ marriage that I completely overlooked many warning signs in my own relationships. I thought, at least this person cares about my feelings. I was heavily love-bombed at the beginning of my relationship with my ex and fell into the intensity of the relationship.

I ended up experiencing the same chaotic environment in my own marriage because that’s what was normal to me. When you grow up in chaos, peace feels uncomfortable. You are so used to the rocky insecurity of life that safety feels dull, and you might overlook a healthy relationship because it doesn’t give you the same rush of emotions as an unhealthy one. There are chemical reasons for this, too. Like an addiction, your body becomes accustomed to the highs and lows of toxic, abusive relationships, so you seek them out in your own relationships after leaving your family.

Admitting the Truth and Starting to Heal

Once I finally admitted my ex was abusive, it opened the door to start healing my childhood wounds. I’ve come a long way, and I continue to face my false beliefs and rewrite my thinking every day.

Strategies for Breaking the Cycle

Acknowledge Your Trauma: The first step in breaking the cycle is acknowledging that your childhood experiences have shaped your perceptions and behaviors. Understand that your upbringing was not your fault and that you have the power to change your future.
Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in unpacking childhood trauma. A professional therapist can help you understand your past and develop strategies for building healthier relationships.
Set Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. This is crucial in preventing toxic relationships from forming and protecting your emotional well-being.
Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-love. Engage in activities that make you feel good and help you recharge. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Work on understanding and managing your emotions. Emotional intelligence can help you navigate relationships more effectively and avoid repeating unhealthy patterns.
Educate Yourself: Read books, attend workshops, and seek out resources that can help you understand the impact of childhood trauma and how to overcome it. Knowledge is power.
Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. A strong support network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to heal and grow.
Reflect and Journal: Spend time reflecting on your experiences and writing them down. Journaling can help you process your emotions and gain insights into your behavior patterns.
Forgive Yourself: Understand that healing is a process, and you will make mistakes along the way. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and focus on the progress you’re making.
Stay Committed to Growth: Healing from childhood trauma is an ongoing journey. Stay committed to your personal growth and continue working towards building healthier relationships.

Conclusion

Childhood trauma can set a rocky foundation, leading to toxic romantic relationships later in life. However, by acknowledging your past, seeking help, and actively working on your personal growth, you can break the cycle and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. Remember, you are not defined by your past, and you have the power to create a better future for yourself. Stay committed to your healing journey and embrace the possibility of a life filled with love, respect, and emotional well-being.

Finding Balance: Embracing Rest and Productivity in Life

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There are things I cannot change and things I can. Focusing on what I can change gives me power, while focusing on what I cannot change weakens me and fills me with unnecessary worry. It’s hard to shift this focus, but it can be done, little by little, until it becomes easier, then one day, it feels natural.

The Pressure to Always Be Productive

I used to feel that I had to always be productive, constantly doing something that would show results. I couldn’t sit still; I had to be doing something all the time. I have since learned that it’s okay to slow down. It’s okay to not be productive. There is healing in rest and joy in stillness. I can find energy in just being. It’s hard to accept because this need to constantly be productive stems from a false belief that I am not enough—that I have to prove my worth tangibly, by having something to show for it. These are false beliefs that I am unlearning.

Embracing the Importance of Rest

I am learning to put my energy where it’s needed and when it’s needed, and to rest as well. I am learning that rest is as important as work. If I am constantly moving and never resting, I will burn out. And I have burned out.

I burned out as a mother, a wife, a friend, and a daughter. I burned out with work, as an artist, a writer, and a creator. I burned out with cooking, cleaning, and just living each day. I was drained and felt internally bruised.

Forced to Slow Down

During the COVID-19 pandemic, I was forced to slow down and take an internal inventory of all my beliefs and self-worth. This period of reflection made me confront the toxic dynamics in my life, including my abusive marriage. The constant hustle of daily life had allowed me to ignore the reality of my situation, but the pandemic forced me to face it head-on.

As I focused on what I could change and let go of what I could not, I found the strength to break free from my abusive relationship. This led to my divorce and the beginning of my recovery journey. It was an incredibly difficult time, but slowing down gave me the clarity and courage I needed to make this life-altering decision.

Now, I am freer. I am learning to rest and relax. I find joy in peace, something I did not even know I could have. I felt like peace was a prelude to chaos because that was the way things had been since I was young. Being surrounded by toxic and abusive people made it impossible to find peace.

Embracing Peace

Now I have let those people go. They are no longer a primary part of my life. With them gone, I have peace for the first time in my 30+ years of revolving around the sun. It is strange and foreign, and it took months to realize that the reason I still felt on edge was the false belief that peace would lead to chaos—that something was just lurking around the corner to jump out and verbally assault me.

I have started to tell myself, “Peace is good. I love peace. I find joy in peace. I welcome peace. Peace is a happy part of my life. Peace is welcomed here.” These mantras help me, especially if I start to feel a little anxious during down-time.

The Healing Power of Rest

This new mindset has also opened the door to resting for the first time in my life. Whenever I checked in with my body or my inner knowing, I felt this strong urge to just rest. Healing could be found in the quiet, in the rest, in the nothingness.

While I rested and recharged, I found my creative spark. I found energy that I thought was gone. I found joy for projects, new and old, that had burned out. In the rest and down-time, I felt renewal and hope.

Embracing the Unknown

I am stepping out in faith, into the unknown, and while it is scary, it is also exciting. There is newness on the other side and success. I don’t have to fear success. I will not lose my success. I will thrive and grow and step into an abundant life. I will overflow with blessings in joy, wealth, love, and health.

I truly believe this, and each day I find a door open or a path laid out that leads me a step closer to my dreams. Each day I am filled with more hope.

Balancing Work and Rest

So, I am learning to balance work and rest. I am learning to find my groove and joy. I am learning, and someday I will look back and be so grateful for all the steps I took to get here.

Key Strategies for Balancing Work and Rest

Prioritize Self-Care: Schedule time for self-care activities such as reading, meditating, or taking a walk. Self-care is not selfish; it’s essential for maintaining your well-being.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries between work and personal time. Communicate these boundaries to family, friends, and colleagues to ensure they respect your need for rest.
Practice Mindfulness: Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine. This could be as simple as taking a few deep breaths during a busy day or setting aside time for meditation.
Delegate Tasks: Learn to delegate tasks at work and home. You don’t have to do everything yourself. Trust others to help and lighten your load.
Create a Restful Environment: Designate a space in your home for relaxation. This could be a cozy corner with a comfortable chair and soft lighting where you can unwind.

Conclusion

Balancing work and rest is an ongoing journey. By recognizing the importance of rest and intentionally incorporating it into your life, you can break the cycle of constant productivity and find joy in both your work and personal life. Remember, it’s okay to rest. It’s okay to slow down. Embrace the healing power of stillness and find strength in the quiet moments. You are enough, just as you are.

Breaking the Cycle: How to Raise Emotionally Healthy Children Despite a Toxic Upbringing

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Raising emotionally healthy children is a challenge for any parent, but it can be especially daunting for those who grew up in toxic environments. If you were raised by narcissistic or abusive parents, you might feel ill-equipped to provide the nurturing and stable environment your children need. However, breaking the cycle of emotional abuse is possible. With intentionality, education, and self-care, you can raise your children in a healthy and loving way. This blog will explore strategies for positive parenting, fostering emotional intelligence, and the importance of self-care for parents.

Understanding the Impact of a Toxic Upbringing

Growing up in a toxic environment can have long-lasting effects on your mental health and parenting style. If your parents were emotionally abusive, manipulative, or neglectful, you might struggle with self-esteem, trust issues, and anxiety. Recognizing these impacts is the first step toward healing and breaking the cycle of dysfunction.

Common Traits of a Toxic Upbringing

Lack of Emotional Support: Feeling unsupported or dismissed by your caregivers.
Manipulation and Control: Being manipulated or controlled through guilt, fear, or intimidation.
Inconsistent Parenting: Experiencing unpredictable or erratic behavior from your parents.
Emotional Neglect: Having your emotional needs ignored or minimized.

Understanding how these traits have affected you can help you become more aware of your behaviors and attitudes as a parent. It’s crucial to reflect on your past and seek professional help if needed to address unresolved issues.

Positive Parenting Strategies

Positive parenting focuses on building a healthy relationship with your child based on mutual respect, trust, and open communication. Here are some strategies to help you practice positive parenting:

1. Establish Open Communication

Encourage your children to express their feelings and thoughts without fear of judgment. Create a safe space where they feel heard and validated.

Active Listening: Pay full attention to your child when they speak. Show empathy and understanding by nodding, maintaining eye contact, and responding thoughtfully.
Encourage Expression: Allow your children to express their emotions freely. Validate their feelings by acknowledging their experiences and offering support.

2. Set Consistent Boundaries

Children thrive in environments where boundaries are clear and consistent. Setting and enforcing rules helps them understand expectations and develop a sense of security.

Clear Expectations: Clearly communicate rules and expectations to your children. Explain the reasons behind the rules to help them understand their importance.
Consistent Consequences: Enforce consequences consistently when rules are broken. Ensure the consequences are fair and related to the behavior.

3. Use Positive Reinforcement

Positive reinforcement encourages good behavior by rewarding positive actions. This can help build your child’s self-esteem and motivate them to continue behaving well.

Praise and Rewards: Acknowledge and praise your child’s positive behavior. Offer rewards such as stickers, extra playtime, or special treats to reinforce good actions.
Focus on Effort: Praise your child’s effort and perseverance rather than just the outcome. This helps them develop a growth mindset and resilience.

Fostering Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage emotions. Developing emotional intelligence in your children can help them navigate social situations, build healthy relationships, and handle stress effectively.

1. Teach Emotional Awareness

Help your children identify and understand their emotions. Use age-appropriate language to discuss different feelings and their causes.

Emotion Vocabulary: Introduce a wide range of emotion words to your children. Use books, games, and conversations to expand their emotional vocabulary.
Model Emotional Awareness: Demonstrate emotional awareness by expressing your own feelings openly. Explain how you manage your emotions in various situations.

2. Encourage Empathy

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings of others. Teaching empathy can help your children develop compassion and build strong interpersonal relationships.

Role-Playing: Use role-playing exercises to teach your children how to put themselves in others’ shoes. Discuss different scenarios and how they would feel in each situation.
Discuss Emotions: Talk about how characters in books, movies, or real-life situations might be feeling. Encourage your children to consider others’ perspectives.

3. Teach Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation involves managing and responding to emotions in a healthy way. Help your children develop coping strategies to deal with strong emotions.

Calming Techniques: Teach your children calming techniques such as deep breathing, counting to ten, or visualization. Practice these techniques together during calm moments.
Problem-Solving Skills: Encourage your children to think of solutions to problems that cause emotional distress. Guide them through the process of identifying the problem, brainstorming solutions, and choosing the best course of action.

The Importance of Self-Care for Parents

Taking care of your own mental and emotional well-being is essential for effective parenting. Self-care helps you manage stress, maintain a positive outlook, and model healthy behavior for your children.

1. Prioritize Your Mental Health

Seek professional help if you struggle with unresolved trauma or mental health issues. Therapy can provide you with tools to cope with your past and improve your parenting skills.

Therapy and Counseling: Consider individual or family therapy to address any lingering effects of your toxic upbringing. Therapy can help you develop healthier relationships and parenting strategies.
Support Groups: Join support groups for parents who have experienced similar upbringings. Sharing your experiences and learning from others can be incredibly validating and empowering.

2. Establish a Self-Care Routine

Incorporate self-care activities into your daily routine to reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.

Physical Activity: Engage in regular physical activity such as walking, yoga, or dancing. Exercise helps reduce stress and improve mood.
Relaxation Techniques: Practice relaxation techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or journaling. These activities can help you stay centered and calm.

3. Set Boundaries

Set boundaries with toxic family members to protect your mental health. Limiting contact with those who are emotionally abusive can help you focus on your well-being and your children’s needs.

Limit Contact: Reduce or eliminate contact with family members who are harmful to your mental health. Prioritize relationships that are supportive and nurturing.
Communicate Boundaries: Clearly communicate your boundaries to family members. Be firm and consistent in enforcing these boundaries to protect your emotional well-being.

Conclusion

Breaking the cycle of toxic parenting is challenging but entirely possible. By practicing positive parenting, fostering emotional intelligence, and prioritizing self-care, you can raise emotionally healthy children despite your upbringing. Remember, the journey toward healthier parenting is ongoing, and seeking support when needed is a sign of strength, not weakness. Your dedication to breaking the cycle will create a nurturing and loving environment for your children, helping them grow into resilient and emotionally intelligent individuals.

Breaking Free: Overcoming Toxic Motherhood Beliefs Imposed by Narcissistic Parents

Introduction: Navigating the intricate terrain of motherhood often entails confronting deeply ingrained beliefs and inherited traumas. For many, the journey is fraught with challenges exacerbated by the lingering echoes of a toxic upbringing. In this exploration, we delve into the transformative process of identifying and dismantling self-defeating beliefs instilled by narcissistic parents, illuminating the path toward liberation and self-empowerment.

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The Burden of Inherited Beliefs

As a new mom, I grappled with an ever-present fear of inadequacy. Every decision felt like a potential misstep, and I lacked confidence in my abilities. Alongside this uncertainty lurked a deeper dread of being labeled as “crazy” if I dared to voice my anxieties. While I recognize now that I likely experienced some level of postpartum anxiety, it was compounded by years of internalizing toxic messages from my parents, who constantly reinforced the notion that I wasn’t enough. This pervasive sense of unworthiness, deeply ingrained in my psyche, threatened to suffocate any semblance of joy or confidence in my role as a mother.

One particularly vivid belief haunted me: the fear that if my infant cried, authorities would swoop in and take them away from me. This irrational dread, triggered by the sound of my baby’s tears, stemmed from a childhood marked by my mother’s threats. I vividly recalled her menacing warnings that misbehavior would lead to our removal by child services, a tactic employed to enforce compliance and silence any mention of my father’s alcoholism.

Unraveling the Origins

Amidst the chaos of early motherhood, a moment of clarity emerged as I dared to confront the origins of my crippling beliefs. Through introspection and reflection, I unearthed memories of my mother’s ominous warnings of child services intervention, wielded as a weapon to enforce compliance and silence dissent. Recollections of her disdainful remarks and manipulative tactics flooded my mind, exposing the insidious influence of her narcissistic agenda. It became clear that these beliefs were not my own but a sinister legacy passed down through generations, perpetuating a cycle of dysfunction and despair.

Upon confronting the origins of this crippling belief, I unearthed a painful truth: it wasn’t my own voice echoing in my mind, but rather my mother’s manipulative tactics. Realizing this lifted a weight off my shoulders, allowing me to release the burden of a belief that wasn’t truly mine. It was a tool wielded by my narcissistic mother to conceal her shortcomings and maintain control over our family dynamic. Recognizing it for what it was—a manifestation of her narcissism—enabled me to reclaim my autonomy and break free from its grip.

Liberating Self from the Narcissistic Web

In the face of overwhelming darkness, a glimmer of hope emerged as I began to untangle the web of toxic thinking woven by my narcissistic mother. With each revelation, I reclaimed a piece of my identity and shattered the shackles of self-doubt that had bound me for so long. Realizing that these beliefs were not a reflection of my worth but a manifestation of her own insecurities, I embraced the power of self-awareness and introspection. By acknowledging the source of my pain and relinquishing its hold on my psyche, I embarked on a journey of healing and self-empowerment.

Navigating Motherhood Amidst Adversity

Despite the catharsis of self-discovery, the road to healing was fraught with obstacles, compounded by the presence of an abusive ex-partner. His relentless criticism and gaslighting tactics mirrored the patterns of my upbringing, triggering a resurgence of old wounds and self-doubt. Yet, in the midst of adversity, I found strength in vulnerability and resilience in self-awareness. By refusing to internalize his toxic narrative and reclaiming my agency as a mother, I forged a path forward rooted in authenticity and self-love.

Embracing Self-Empowerment

In the crucible of adversity, I discovered the transformative power of self-empowerment. Through the process of identifying and releasing false beliefs, I reclaimed my voice and embraced a newfound sense of purpose and resilience. Each step forward was a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the capacity for growth and healing. As I continue on my journey of self-discovery, I invite others to join me in challenging inherited narratives and forging a path toward liberation and self-empowerment.

Through introspection and self-awareness, we can break free from the shackles of inherited beliefs and reclaim our agency as mothers. By embracing vulnerability and authenticity, we pave the way for healing and self-empowerment, forging a path toward a brighter and more fulfilling future. If you struggle with self-doubt brought by childhood trauma, I encourage you to search into your memories and see if you can find the source of your fears and face them. By reclaiming our beliefs about self, we can truly be free of our past and step into a better, brighter future.

Unraveling the Complexities of Growing Up with a Narcissistic Mother: Personal Stories and Insights

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I welcome you to share in the complexities of growing up with a narcissistic mother, as I share some personal stories and insights from my own past. Through these personal stories, I hope to shed light on the insidious nature of narcissistic behavior, offering insights into the impact it has on self-worth, boundaries, and emotional well-being. Join me on a journey of validation and healing, and hopefully empowering others to find solace and understanding in their own experiences.

A Mother’s Fantasy: The Façade of Perfection

Growing up, my mother was consumed by a fantasy world she crafted, where appearances and societal perceptions reigned supreme. Obsessed with projecting an image of the ideal family, she imposed unrealistic expectations on her children. From meticulously curated china cabinets to elaborate gift-giving rituals, her actions were driven not by genuine affection but by a desire to maintain her façade. Despite our efforts to please her, her constant dissatisfaction cast a shadow over every interaction.

Christmas Disillusionments: Tainted Traditions

Christmas, a time of joy and celebration, often underscored my mother’s narcissistic tendencies. I vividly recall one particular Christmas when my father, eager to please her, presented her with a lavish gift—a diamond tennis bracelet. Yet, her reaction was one of disappointment and frustration, highlighting the futility of attempting to satisfy her insatiable desires. Each year, her discontent tainted our cherished family traditions, leaving us feeling inadequate and unfulfilled.

In Christmas 1994, my dad recorded a VHS tape of one of our childhood celebrations, a cherished relic my youngest sister would revisit every summer. The footage captures the infectious excitement of us kids and the palpable magic of the holiday season, juxtaposed against my mother’s perennially discontented demeanor. Despite my dad’s earnest efforts, including the thoughtful gift of a china cabinet filled with exquisite porcelain, my mother remained unimpressed. Her subtle yet unmistakable expressions of dissatisfaction permeated the video, casting a shadow over what should have been a joyous occasion. Even now, as I reflect on that moment, I’m left pondering the underlying reasons behind her perpetual discontent. Even to this day, I never feet good about giving gifts, because my mom is horrible at faking enthusiasm, which I now wonder if it is a type of manipulation tactic.

The Weight of Expectations: Striving for Perfection

Growing up in such an environment, I felt the weight of my mother’s expectations bearing down on me. No achievement was ever enough, no gesture ever sufficient to earn her approval. The pursuit of perfection became a relentless burden, overshadowing my sense of self-worth and fueling a perpetual cycle of anxiety and self-doubt. Despite my best efforts, I always fell short of her impossibly high standards, trapped in a never-ending quest for validation.

If my grades slipped to a B, I got the message I was a disappointment, because perfection was the norm, and anything less was a problem. She assumed the worst of everything. If my grades slipped then it was because I was distracted by boys, or influenced by bad friends, none of which was true.

The Erosion of Boundaries: Intrusions into Privacy

My mother’s narcissism extended beyond mere dissatisfaction with material possessions; it seeped into every aspect of my life, eroding boundaries and invading privacy. She viewed me not as an individual, with autonomy, but as extensions of herself, entitled to control and manipulate as she saw fit. She read my diary, the journals I exchanged with friends, listened in on phone calls and rummaged through my room often. She felt it was her right as a parent to invade privacy.

In her mind we are completely enmeshed. I remember feeling that way too. I couldn’t figure out where I truly began and she ended. Her intrusions knew no bounds, leaving me feeling suffocated and powerless.

Awakening to Reality: The Journey to Self-Validation

Over time, I began to recognize the insidious nature of my mother’s behavior and the toll it had taken on my sense of self-worth. With the support of friends and the insight gained through therapy, I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing. I learned to set boundaries, reclaim my autonomy, and prioritize my own well-being, despite the guilt and manipulation tactics employed by my mother.

Finding Validation: Embracing the Truth

In hindsight, I realized that my mother’s behavior was not a reflection of my shortcomings but of her own insecurities and narcissism. Understanding this allowed me to release myself from the burden of guilt and self-blame, recognizing that her actions were not a reflection of my worth as a person. By validating my experiences and acknowledging the impact of her behavior, I reclaimed my agency and forged a path toward self-acceptance and healing.

I hope that by sharing these stories, and more it will encourage others to reflect and self-validate their own childhood trauma. You are enough, with your flaws and everything. I hope you can find your self-worth and step onto a path of healing by opening up about past trauma and letting go of guilt. You are valid, your experiences are valid, your feelings are valid.

My Existential Crisis and the Jellyfish

Finding Peace in Purposelessness

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Over a year ago, my world was rocked by a series of events that left me reeling. I lost my abusive, alcoholic father, and shortly after, a dear friend. Amidst this emotional turmoil, I was navigating the aftermath of a divorce, co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner, and dealing with my narcissistic mother’s selfish grief. Just as I was beginning to find my footing again in the workforce after a decade-long hiatus, I was struck by a car that ran a red light.

The impact was sudden, leaving me disoriented and in shock. Gratefully, kind strangers helped me out of the wreckage, and though physically shaken, I escaped with only minor injuries. However, the psychological aftermath was profound. The realization that my child could have been in the car with me, coupled with the visual of the damage inflicted, plunged me into a state of grief and existential questioning.

It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision

Since that moment, I’ve struggled to regain my former sense of self. It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision, leaving behind a numbness that dulled life’s vibrancy. Depression, grief, and an acute awareness of mortality weighed heavily on me, leading to an existential crisis unlike any I’d experienced before.

Raised in the evangelical church, I was instilled with the belief that life held purpose, that we must strive to achieve something meaningful in the eyes of a higher power. Coupled with the expectations placed upon me by narcissistic parents, this belief system only intensified my existential turmoil.

“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?”

“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?” These questions haunted me, gnawing at the edges of my consciousness. But amidst the darkness, a simple yet profound realization emerged—the jellyfish.

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I recalled watching these ethereal creatures, drifting effortlessly in a vast sea, their translucent forms pulsating with serene beauty. In that moment, I understood: we don’t need purpose to justify our existence. Like the jellyfish, we can simply be.

This revelation liberated me from the burden of expectation, allowing me to embrace the essence of my being without the pressure to conform to external standards. Instead of losing myself to this existential crisis and purposelessness, I shed the weight of creative projects and societal norms, finding solace in the simplicity of just being.

Though I may never fully regain the drive I once possessed, I’ve discovered a newfound sense of peace in surrendering to the ebb and flow of life. I no longer feel compelled to prove my worth or define myself by external measures of success. Instead, I find joy in the present moment, cherishing the small but meaningful contributions I make to the world around me.

To you, dear reader, I offer this simple truth: you are enough. Embrace the essence of your being, unfettered by the demands of society or the expectations of others. Like the jellyfish, drift along the currents of life, embracing the beauty of your existence without the need for purpose or validation. You are enough.

Sitting With My Big Emotions: Anger and Fear

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Sitting with my fears, anger, and other big feelings is not an easy task. I was raised to ignore, to shut down, to put myself last. I am learning to unlearn the coping skills of my past.

This is codependency at its finest.

Growing up my family was more important that myself. The raging alcoholic and the enmeshed matriarch were the ones who had the biggest needs. There was no space, no comfort, no soothing for me to explore my feelings. I had to be an adult. I had to comfort my parent who felt worn down because of the addict. I had to care for my siblings, and shoulder the burdens of everyone in the house.

I felt like the glue holding it all together, but I was constantly falling apart.

I felt like the glue holding it all together, but I was constantly falling apart. There were and still are many cracks in my being. Holes and wounds invisible to the eye, but felt in every moment of my day. These are the child wounds I never healed. These are the fears and doubts and big emotions I was not allowed to safely experience. I became terrified of not only my feelings, but other people’s feelings too.

Anger is a huge trigger for me.

Anger is a huge trigger for me. When someone raises their voice I start to shut down, hiding and trembling deep inside myself. I fret and sweat and my heart races. I am worried that the person angry at me will lose control.

When I feel angry, I fear I will lose control. That anger will rage out of me like the Hulk, and I will sit outside myself feeling shame and guilt. This, sadly, was how I handled much anger in my life. I either shut down or lost control.

The key to healing those wounds is to let them be felt

I have recently learned that the key to healing those wounds is to let them be felt. This sounds crazy. Why suffer the negative feelings? Why pull up all that old hurt?

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The answer is to heal it.

If I don’t heal the mother wound, the inner child, the past, I cannot enter a healthy future. If I don’t clean the old wounds of their infections I will continue to suffer and lose myself.

Now, I try to sit with my feelings. To become aware of what I physically feel in my body. Give the emotions a name, identify what they are, and if possible, where they are truly coming from. Then I am able to let them wash away. I can accept myself as I am, broken, but still alive, still making progress.

Mindfulness has helped me immensely in this process. I sit quietly and simply acknowledge what I feel, where I feel it, and pay attention to it. Then I move on, without judging the emotion or physical reaction.

I used to try pushing away all the feelings, which only made them push back. I struggled against fear and anger, now I sit back and let them happen. I feel the anger, I call it by name, I thank it (silently of course) for being present inside me, for showing me something important.

Anger is usually present to show something is unjust, unfair, or goes against one of my values

I find that for me, anger is usually present to show something is unjust, unfair, or goes against one of my values. Anger is important because it helps identify what’s important to me. I don’t have to be afraid when I get angry. I don’t have to react when I get angry. I can simply accept my anger. Then I can work out solutions to why I feel angry and solve any problems my anger has shown me. Knowing why I feel what I feel is empowering and helps me let go easier.

Knowing why I feel what I feel is empowering and helps me let go easier.

Fear is the same. I feel it, I calm my heart and remind myself that I am safe. I breathe into the fear and any tension in my body and try to relax those muscles and areas. It helps. I realize what I’m afraid of isn’t what I thought, and that my fears may not be as extreme as first imagined. I am safe. I can take steps to remain safe if things escalate. I know what to do if my big fear starts to become real, and that is empowering.

Fear tells me that something could go wrong. That pain might be coming.

white lotus flower on water — Photo by Anna on Pexels.com

It’s okay to feel fear. Fear tells me that something could go wrong. That pain might be coming. It helps me be aware of myself and others.

I don’t have to live in fear. I don’t have to let it flood me. I can breathe it in, let it exist, and breathe it out again. I know what to do, that alone gives me power to let the fear go. I can then plan for worse case scenarios from a clear mind.

The little child I was in the past is a grown adult now. I no longer rely on my parents, I can rely on myself. That alone is powerful.

I can sit with my big emotions, give myself a hug, validate my feelings, and move on with peace and acceptance.

I am enough.

And so are you.