Narcissistic abuse Archives - Losing Faith, Finding Spirit

AITAH for Being Angry at My Husband for Buying Me a New Phone?

AITAH – “Or Am I The Asshole” is a reddit forum where people post events in their life and ask strangers on the internet if their reaction to said event was bad making them an ass hole. If I was aware of this forum on reddit many years ago I might write a post something like this: my husband just bought me a brand new phone, after we both agreed I didn’t need a new phone he purchased one anyway, and now I’m angry.

The rest of the post would follow with more details of the event (a true life event that happened to me probably 7 years ago now).

I (33 F) have been married to husband (32 M) for nearly 10yr. We dated almost 4yrs. Recently he wanted to upgrade his cellphone. No big deal I was happy for him. We discussed upgrading my phone too, but we just dropped over $300 on replacing my phone screen and I didn’t think it was financially responsible to buy a brand new one. I’m not big on using my phone. I don’t have games or extra apps. I use my phone mostly for communication, photos, and only use like 4 social media apps. Since we just dropped significant money on getting it fixed I didn’t want or feel the need to get a new phone. I’ve been happy with this one for the 2 years I’ve owned it. My husband agreed. So I was shocked when he returned with his new phone and an exact duplicate for me.

I didn’t get to choose the color, style, or even the model. Nothing. My opinion was completely disregarded and when I tried to explain my shock that I wasn’t prepared, needed, or even wanted a new phone, let alone the one he bought without my input, I was called ungrateful.

Mind you this wasn’t a good surprise. There was no holiday or gift-giving reason for him to splurge on such a purchase and I actually felt a little betrayed. We had already agreed I wasn’t getting a new phone, but he got it anyway.

I’ve already begun feeling like something is off about our relationship, but maybe I’m reading into it too much. It just feels like I should have had a say. We’ve been buying phones together for years and he’s always been supportive of my choices because we use our phones differently and my needs for a cellphone are different from his. We often end up with different models and different colors. But I wasn’t given any options. This led to a big argument (yelling and more). I was told he cannot return it or trade it for a different one. That I am being ungrateful and he was trying to do something nice. I’m just really confused and think something might be wrong with our relationship.

…End of post until a future Update…

If this was a reddit post I’d return with an update months later saying he bought a random toaster oven without consulting me. I’m the only one who cooks and I already was looking into ones I liked. This is becoming some weird pattern.

I should also mention that he’s very aggressive when he argues. He always yells and tells me I’m the one overreacting or degrades me during arguments. I’m beginning to think this relationship is unhealthy and we need therapy. I’ve said I want therapy for myself but he won’t let me.

… I would probably stop here again and then review any reddit responses, as when this happened I was really confused and genuinely felt like maybe I was a jerk for not being happy with his surprise. If I had posted back then maybe I would have seen the red flags sooners and started doing more preparation, but I was allowing my husband (now ex of course) to control me. There were other financial areas that he was completely controlling over, and now of course years later I know it was financial abuse as well as manipulation. At the time I was just confused and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough in the relationship.

Also take a look at my exact words – “He won’t let me” go to therapy for myself. I felt I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things, which if you pay attention to my language is very telling. I also felt very limited in spending and had to get permission to buy things while he could buy whatever whenever and there was always a million reasons that didn’t make sense, but the arguing was too exhausting so I would give in just to end the yelling. I now know this is an emotional manipulation tactic narcissists like to use on their victims. He had all the energy to fight until I just gave up, and I gave up a lot of myself to this relationship.

Ultimately, my nearly 20 year relationship ended in divorce. The fights got worse, I felt threatened, and thankfully I did get into therapy for myself which gave me enough courage to end this very toxic relationship. These are just fragments of the big picture that was my horrible marriage. It got worse until it ended and I finally got better. I’m a better person. I’m not afraid and I leaned a lot about narcissists from my now ex.

I’m tempted to post my story to reddit, so others can see the behaviors that seem insignificant at the time, but over time grow into a huge issue. Looking back I can see so many tiny ways I was controlled, both with money, and my emotions. I know I’m not the asshole and that the overall feelings I had of betrayal were a huge warning sign my heart was giving me to end things sooner. It took several years and some really big events for me to finally say enough and end things.

I realize now that all the yelling, fighting, arguing for the sake of arguing, were unhealthy. When I started to detach emotionally from the relationship and stop responding to his emotional outbursts, I realized that I could say exactly what he wanted me to like a puppet and he would still roar. I could remain perfectly calm and silent, and he would still roar. My actions did not change him. He needed to fight for himself, not because of anything I did or didn’t do. Once I realized that everything was his problem, I knew there was literally nothing I could do to fix things. And eventually I ended it and again, I am better and more at peace now than I have ever been in my life. Being single and finally learning who I am, has been such a fulfilling journey that I have no desire to bother with another relationship. If it happens, okay, but if I’m single forever, I’m really okay with that. Being alone is so much more peaceful than dealing with even one minute of the nonsense I put up with in my marriage. I refuse to go back.

If you feel any signs of betrayal or question your relationship, it might be your heart telling you something is wrong. Healthy relationships don’t wonder if they are healthy, they are too busy being happy together to worry about all this petty nonsense.

🚩 Relationship Red Flag: Extreme Honesty After the Fact

The post discusses how extreme honesty in toxic relationships can be a manipulative tactic, often disguised as vulnerability. Such confessions break down trust, as they come with emotional theatrics meant to deflect accountability. True honesty involves open dialogue before actions, not after, emphasizing respect and mutual growth in healthy relationships.

red led traffic cone — Photo by Mido Makasardi ©️ on Pexels.com

Honesty and trust are the foundations of any healthy relationship. But in toxic and emotionally abusive dynamics, “honesty” can be twisted into something that causes more harm than healing. One red flag that often flies under the radar is extreme honesty after the fact—when your partner “comes clean” about something they previously swore they would never do, often turning their confession into a performance that paints them as brave, honest, or morally superior.

This kind of emotional manipulation is designed to make the victim believe the relationship is built on trust, even as that trust is repeatedly broken. Let’s break down what this looks like, how it feels, and why it’s so damaging.

The Red Flag You Might Miss: Confession as Manipulation

In a healthy relationship, partners are transparent and communicate openly—especially when their choices might affect the other person. However, when a person consistently breaks boundaries or promises and then uses their “honesty” as a shield to avoid accountability, it becomes a red flag.

In my own experience, my ex repeatedly claimed he would never engage in certain behaviors—things like smoking, lying, or hiding major decisions from me. He made these declarations with passion and conviction. But eventually, one by one, those promises were broken. And each time, the betrayal was followed by a dramatic confession, full of tears and pleas for forgiveness.

I remember one moment vividly: he came home sobbing, admitting he had smoked (something he’d long said he’d never do due to asthma from his parent’s smoking). He told me he felt so guilty and just had to “come clean.” It seemed like an emotional breakthrough. But in hindsight, it was part of a pattern—a manipulation tactic masked as vulnerability.

What Healthy Honesty Looks Like

Let’s be clear—people make mistakes. In a safe and healthy relationship, admitting mistakes is a sign of growth. But the difference is that in a healthy dynamic:

• Confessions don’t come with emotional theatrics meant to manipulate your response.
• Boundaries and values are discussed before major changes or decisions happen.
• There’s genuine accountability—not blame-shifting, gaslighting, or emotional outbursts when you feel hurt.

Honest conversations in healthy relationships sound like:
“Hey, I’ve been rethinking something I once said I’d never do. I’d like to talk about it and how it might affect our relationship.”
That’s vastly different from:
“I know I said I’d never do this, but I did—and now you have to forgive me because I told you the truth.”

When “Coming Clean” Is a Cover-Up

In my case, each confession was framed as an act of virtue. “At least I told you,” was the phrase I heard again and again—implying that his honesty was proof of good character, not a sign of repeated betrayal. The twist? Each time, the story changed. Each time, I had to emotionally process a new version of events that contradicted the last. It was exhausting, confusing, and disorienting.

This is a common narcissistic manipulation tactic:

• They create a situation where trust is broken.
• They “confess” in a way that demands your praise and forgiveness.
• They shift blame when you express hurt or boundaries.
• They twist the narrative to make themselves the victim if you don’t respond with immediate absolution.

Eventually, I started realizing that these confessions were never about making things right. They were about controlling the narrative and keeping me emotionally invested in the relationship, despite my growing sense that something was very, very wrong.

Emotional Manipulation in the Name of Honesty

This kind of extreme honesty doesn’t foster connection—it breaks it down. Over time, the foundation of trust I believed we had began to crumble. And when I finally set a boundary and said, “This was not okay,” my ex responded not with understanding, but with rage.

He accused me of being cold-hearted, unforgiving, and unloving—turning the entire situation around so that I felt like the one at fault. That moment was my wake-up call. I realized I was being emotionally manipulated, and that what I’d called honesty was actually a performance designed to excuse his bad behavior.

Real Trust Requires Respect and Accountability

True honesty means talking things through before they happen—not expecting to be praised after breaking trust. Real trust means valuing your partner’s emotions, not invalidating them when they express pain. And healthy relationships aren’t built on repeated “mistakes” followed by emotional scenes. They’re built on respect, boundaries, and mutual growth.

Pay attention to patterns, not just words. One “mistake” might be forgivable. But repeated violations, followed by dramatic confessions meant to manipulate your response, are not healthy—they’re emotionally abusive.

What to Watch For: Signs This Is Happening

Here are some red flags that your partner is using extreme honesty as a form of manipulation:

• They consistently make promises or claims they later break.
• Their confessions always include emotional outbursts or demands for forgiveness.
• They never discuss changes in behavior or values beforehand.
• When you react with hurt or concern, they blame you for “not being supportive.”
• Their stories change every time you talk about the issue.
• You start to doubt your memory, your feelings, and your reality.

Rebuilding After Trust is Broken

If you recognize these behaviors in your relationship, know that you are not alone. So many of us who come from toxic or chaotic childhoods are conditioned to accept these dynamics as normal. But you deserve better. You deserve to feel safe, heard, and respected in your relationships.

Leaving a toxic relationship is hard—especially when you’ve been manipulated into thinking that your partner’s “honesty” is proof of love. But real love doesn’t hide behind lies and then weaponize the truth. Real love honors truth from the start.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

If you’ve experienced this kind of emotional manipulation, know that your feelings are valid. You are not crazy, dramatic, or overly sensitive. Your instincts are powerful. That small voice that says, “This doesn’t feel right”? Trust it.

We all make mistakes in choosing partners, especially when we’ve been conditioned by trauma. Don’t beat yourself up. The fact that you’re recognizing these patterns is a powerful step forward in your healing.

You are worthy of safe, respectful, joyful love—and it starts by trusting your gut and honoring your truth.

Find more helpful articles here:

My Existential Crisis and the Jellyfish

Finding Peace in Purposelessness

close up shot of jellyfish underwater — Photo by Nihongraphy 2 on Pexels.com

Over a year ago, my world was rocked by a series of events that left me reeling. I lost my abusive, alcoholic father, and shortly after, a dear friend. Amidst this emotional turmoil, I was navigating the aftermath of a divorce, co-parenting with a narcissistic ex-partner, and dealing with my narcissistic mother’s selfish grief. Just as I was beginning to find my footing again in the workforce after a decade-long hiatus, I was struck by a car that ran a red light.

The impact was sudden, leaving me disoriented and in shock. Gratefully, kind strangers helped me out of the wreckage, and though physically shaken, I escaped with only minor injuries. However, the psychological aftermath was profound. The realization that my child could have been in the car with me, coupled with the visual of the damage inflicted, plunged me into a state of grief and existential questioning.

It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision

Since that moment, I’ve struggled to regain my former sense of self. It’s as if a part of me was lost in the collision, leaving behind a numbness that dulled life’s vibrancy. Depression, grief, and an acute awareness of mortality weighed heavily on me, leading to an existential crisis unlike any I’d experienced before.

Raised in the evangelical church, I was instilled with the belief that life held purpose, that we must strive to achieve something meaningful in the eyes of a higher power. Coupled with the expectations placed upon me by narcissistic parents, this belief system only intensified my existential turmoil.

“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?”

“Why are we alive? What’s the point of living?” These questions haunted me, gnawing at the edges of my consciousness. But amidst the darkness, a simple yet profound realization emerged—the jellyfish.

school jellyfish in blue light — Photo by Ayyeee Ayyeee on Pexels.com

I recalled watching these ethereal creatures, drifting effortlessly in a vast sea, their translucent forms pulsating with serene beauty. In that moment, I understood: we don’t need purpose to justify our existence. Like the jellyfish, we can simply be.

This revelation liberated me from the burden of expectation, allowing me to embrace the essence of my being without the pressure to conform to external standards. Instead of losing myself to this existential crisis and purposelessness, I shed the weight of creative projects and societal norms, finding solace in the simplicity of just being.

Though I may never fully regain the drive I once possessed, I’ve discovered a newfound sense of peace in surrendering to the ebb and flow of life. I no longer feel compelled to prove my worth or define myself by external measures of success. Instead, I find joy in the present moment, cherishing the small but meaningful contributions I make to the world around me.

To you, dear reader, I offer this simple truth: you are enough. Embrace the essence of your being, unfettered by the demands of society or the expectations of others. Like the jellyfish, drift along the currents of life, embracing the beauty of your existence without the need for purpose or validation. You are enough.