I am in my late thirties, with a child, currently in a hetero-normative marriage. Until very recently I had thought I was straddling the “Bi-sexual” lines. However, after good therapy, looking inward, and facing my truth, I am now ready to say: “I’m here and I’m queer.”
If you have read some of my Confessions of a Spiritual Bully posts you may know I come from a very conservative, rigid religiosity in the Evangelical Christian Church. While the pastor preached “God is Love,” there was a strong message that that love was based on certain criteria and if you did not meet those “norms” you were damned to eternal flames.
Part of the “norms” in the Church was heterosexuality. There was no room for LGBTQ folks, and the message was clear: Homosexuality was a choice and that choice was a sin.
the message was clear: Homosexuality was a choice and that choice was a sin.
That left no room for any deviance. Marriage was considered one Man and one Woman with the intent to raise children. Anything else was sin. Sin was eternal damnation and flames. Your soul would suffer for your lustful immoral thoughts.
Sadly, this same mindset has gotten very strong in recent years. As LGBTQ rights have been fought, won, and contested. I had to block and unfriend multiple family members who used the Bible as a means to spread hate against LGBTQ folks after marriage equality passed. I tried to argue with one family member that despite their religious beliefs, the constitution was in favor of marriage equality and for separation of church and state, making their hate fueled comments unconstitutional at best. It did not go well.
Those family members now vote with their hate. They vote against equality of LGBTQ folks and BIPOC. For a religion supposedly based on love there is so much hate.
For a religion supposedly based on love there is so much hate.
I internalized this hate over the years. I stuffed my homosexual desires down deep, justifying my interests in the same sex as being appreciative of all beauty. I’m an artist, of course I love beautiful people, regardless of gender.
I recall holding the hands of many boys and feeling nothing. However I was terrified of holding hands with my gal friends. As if somehow that act (something the other girls never seemed to have a problem with) was too intimate for me.
I was careful with hugs and physical acts of affection. A couple friendships ran deeper than others, and hurt worse than being dumped by several boys when they ended.
I can now look back and see all the broken pieces I tried to ignore. All the things that weighed me down and filled me with misery. I was denying a whole part of my identity, of my potential, for fear of other people’s opinions. I was raised to fear other people’s opinions.
My own mother told me the angels were all watching.
I knew God and his angels were always watching and ready to curse me, or damn me if I committed any sin. Sinful thoughts were enough to send me straight to Hell. I also wrote about that constant fear of death growing up.
It took a lot to get here. To admit to myself first that I was Bi, then to really settle in and face what that meant. The more I explored my “bi-sexuality” the more I felt a deep longing for a same-sex partnership. I felt a deep loneliness in my marriage that my husband could not fill. We had our difficulties, something I will discuss in later posts. But ultimately I had to face the truth, My Truth: I no longer wanted a heterosexual relationship.
When I was at my loneliest, it wasn’t my husband I wished to hold or have. It was a woman.
When I was at my loneliest, it wasn’t my husband I wished to hold or have. It was a woman. Not a specific woman. Just the abstract concept of a woman. I had to face the Truth, I wasn’t bi, I am a Lesbian.
I recently told my husband I no longer wished to be in a heterosexual marriage. I wanted to end things and allow both of us the space to find partners who would love us unconditionally. It’s only been a month since that conversation. We haven’t even told our child. But we are working towards divorce.
I can say that while I felt intense Grief and Guilt over my truth and the loss of the hetero-normal privileges of a straight marriage. a HUGE weight has lifted off my life.
I can say that while I felt intense Grief and Guilt over my truth and the loss of the hetero-normal privileges of a straight marriage. A HUGE weight has lifted off my life. I can truly breathe. I feel Hope. There are endless possibilities ahead.
Sure there’s a whole mess to deal with in ending a marriage, especially because we have a child. But when I feel that guilt rise up, I just think of how relieved I feel to never have to have sex with a man and I KNOW this is the best path for me.
I also have a lot of internalized shame from the hateful messages against LGBTQ folks I was raised with. I hear my mother’s tone when she called Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen DeGeneres “sickos,” as if they were pedophiles or rapists. That memory lingers making me uncomfortable sharing my truth with my family. My Evangelical family will NOT be happy with my news. However, I can’t worry about them though.
I’ve spent my whole life worried about other people’s opinions of me. It’s time to focus on what my opinions are.
I’m going to spend the next few months dating myself. I’m going to keep looking in. Keep working with my therapist. And I’m going to heal. One day I may be out and proud and loud. Today I will boast anonymously on this blog.
I just want to say that It does Get Better. I hope you find your truths, no matter how hard, and know that you are not alone.
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