Growing up Evangelical Christian, I struggled with the “how” of things. Overtime my struggle brought me out of religion all together and pushed me into a more spiritual practice. For now I would say I am more Pagan leaning in faith, but even that is a bit of a stretch. “Nonreligious” feels more accurate. Yet I was still searching for HOW to live a fulfilling life of peace.
Over the years the one word question, how? pushed me to explore every aspect of my faith. I was told you are supposed to live righteously, but not HOW to apply this idea to every day life. I began to feel bored and frustrated every time I left a church service. This tug to a more practical practice eventually left me open to see the overreaching hypocrisy of those in religious leadership. Overtime my respect for the church and their doctrine diminished completely.
As I look inward and try to heal my traumatic past, I again find myself asking “how?”
I tried participating in 12 Step programs to work through my codependency issues, as well as find healing from having alcoholics in my life. I really struggled with the fact that all the Al-Anon meetings in my area were at churches. The literature and structure of the meetings were too religious leaning for my taste (there is a lot of talk of a higher power or God). Lastly I did not like the fact you could not cross-talk (as in directly talk to someone during the meeting).
I understand that the cross-talk thing is to give space for everyone to speak their hearts, while also limiting advice giving, something codependents struggle with (many of us are rescuers in the relationship), but it felt like we were all talking at one another instead of with one another. All of those aspects reminded me a little too much of my past church life.
The part that finally pushed me away from 12 Step programs is that the literature and overall format feels very “fluffy” and lacking much substance to me. I found myself reading through the books and listening to the talks wondering “HOW?” Members at the meetings kept talking about living this peaceful serene life, but not HOW to live that life.
When I would ask how do I find that peace, I was directed back to the literature and told to follow the steps
When I would ask how do I find that peace, I was directed back to the literature and told to follow the steps. This alone felt too much like my evangelical upbringing, where if I asked HOW they said read your Bible everyday, pray, and repent of any wrongdoings.
Since 12 Steps and the Church did not give me practical how-to on living a peaceful, fulfilled, and healed life, I had to keep searching.
I finally found my HOW. Meditation and Mindfulness.
During a particularly difficult period in my life the words “mindfulness meditation,” started popping up everywhere. I saw them on magazines lining the check-out at the grocery store and in social media posts. I signed up for emails to be a more peaceful parent, and the biggest advice was to start a meditation practice and get more mindful of your body to reset your triggers.
I felt like the universe was trying to tell me something, so I listened. I looked into mindfulness practices and meditation. I found that starting off with short guided mediations at night, or at least once a day, helped me get inside my body. I slowly connected to my feelings, even the deep uncomfortable ones. I started to know myself better. My triggers became clear, and so did a path through the big feelings.
I found a therapist who gave me some tips on how to break the flooding cycle I was stuck in. I’ll share this here, because in many ways it saved my life.
Simple How-To for stopping the flooding: Fight, Flight, or Freeze response:
- First you tense your forehead for a few seconds, then relax.
- Next tense your jaw, then relax.
- Now your neck, relax.
- Shoulders, relax.
- Biceps. Relax.
- On down through every part of your body to your toes.
- Then do the whole thing again, two or three times.
- Then you can tense your body all at once and relax.
- Take a few deep breathes, breathing into the areas that might still be tense and let go.
That one method saved me from feeling completely stuck in the fear, flight, freeze mode. It moved me into clear thinking and helped me find a way out of the codependent life I had built. It’s such a simple thing. Just tensing parts of your body, then relaxing, but it took 36 years before anyone told me How to do it.
I am much more consistent in my mediation these days than I was three years ago when I started this journey. When I feel stuck and wonder what to do or how to do something, I now check inward. There is this deep sense of knowing inside that helps me make the next decision. I am learning to trust myself and to rewrite false beliefs that held me captive from a fulfilled life. The more I practice getting in tune with my body the better I feel. The more confident I become in myself the faster I recognize when I am acting in an old, unhealthy or codependent way.
I don’t need a religious institute or 12 Steps to find my inner peace, it was here inside me all along.
Check out my other posts for more content about leaving religion and finding inner peace.