The concept of “purity” as defined by the Evangelical Christian Church is a woman who is sexually pure, submissive to her husband, and a mother figure. Anyone who does not align with those concepts will be damned. The rigid religiosity of purity culture is incredibly damaging.
Within the Evangelical Christian Church, there was a lot of emphasis on virginity. Youth groups talked constantly about sex and all the reasons you should abstain until marriage. Huge events and conventions were held to persuade teenagers to make purity vows.
There were even marriage ceremonies with God. Teenagers who made such vows were encouraged to wear purity rings, or promise rings on their ring finger. You would later give this ring to the first person you had sex with. The hope was this person would be your spouse. Oftentimes these ceremonies were specific to girls. Sometimes the vows would be with the girls’ fathers, which is gross on so many levels.
Males and females were told to abstain, but the heavy emphasis was on females.
My pastor’s wife pulled all the girls aside to discuss the importance of being modest. What you wore, how you behaved, and even how deep you kissed could all lead to losing your virginity. There was an unspoken understanding that the burden of staying pure was on girls. It was the girls’ fault if a boy lusted after her. It was also her fault if she was raped.
Even my middle school teacher at a Christian private school joked that the best birth control was an aspirin between the legs. As in hold the aspirin between your knees so you don’t spread your legs for boys. I WAS TWELVE and basically being told that if I dressed with skirts or shorts more than three inches above my knees, I would be raped and it would be my fault.
I was twelve and basically being told that if I dressed with skirts or shorts more than three inches above my knees, I would be raped and it would be my fault.
According to the church I grew up in the Bible stated that marriage was only between one man and one woman. And that anyone you “lay with” or had sex with was your spiritual spouse in God’s eyes. If you have sex with multiple people your soul would be split and pulled apart until there’s nothing left to give the one person you want to actually marry.
Never mind the fact that King David had many wives. One of his wives he acquired because he saw her taking a bath one her roof and wanted her. So he invited her over and raped her. Of course the Church likes to say Bathsheba was a willing participant, but the truth was that the KING invited her over. You do not go against the king.
This story was said in youth groups to emphasize how girls have to protect their bodies, specifically their nudity from men. But King David was also revered highly in the church. After he raped Bathsheba, she got pregnant. To cover his misdeed he had her husband killed in war so he could marry her. Not only did King David rape someone, he also murdered someone. Not to mention David already had many wives. (2 Samuel 11, 12; 1 Kings 1, 2)
I cannot tell you how many women struggled with fertility issues in the church and felt that it was God punishing them for having sex before marriage.
The child from this union died, which is also interpreted to mean that women who get pregnant out of wedlock, or through some ungodly means, will miscarry. I cannot tell you how many women struggled with fertility issues in the church and felt that it was God punishing them for having sex before marriage. So much for “God is love.”
I became terrified not only of sex itself, but of my own sexual urges. Lustful thoughts were also SIN. And sinners burn forever in Hell, an eternal lake of fire.
It was practically the eleventh commandment: though shall not have sex until marriage.
In Purity Culture marriage is one of the highest unions two people can have. It’s the happily ever after at the end of the fairy tale. It’s Godliness, because how often the Church is called the Bride of Christ. Brides and women are highly valued for their purity, their virginity, and not much else. Women aren’t technically supposed to hold office or speak up in church, or so Paul writes in the New Testament, though many modern church-ladies do. (1 Corinthians 14:33-35)
Men rule women, and are heads of their house, like God is the head of the Church. This concept opens the door for abusive marriages. Women feel trapped with husbands who can do whatever they want. It is a woman’s spiritual test to obey and submit to their husbands as the Church is supposed to submit to Christ.
So many women I knew in the church were in abusive marriages because of this concept.
So many teenagers married too young and to wrong people (myself included) because of the strict rules and obsession with sex. I know at least two people who married just so they could finally have sex. Both people have since divorced and remarried and are much happier for it.
Accepting people for who they are, like Jesus who stood up for the prostitute and adulterer, is what I think the church should focus on. He said anyone who has no sin can throw the first stone (John 8:7). I feel there are many proverbial stones being thrown at people who simply do not deserve it.
Purity Culture puts the blame on victims
I was sexually assaulted and felt that it was my fault because of what I was wearing. My love for this person meant I should accept the assault and submit to this person. My needs came last, if at all. Purity culture puts the blame on victims, instead of holding the rapist accountable. Purity culture emphasizes the sin instead of the forgiveness.
I felt dirty, and ruined. I felt like I had to marry the first person I had sex with, and I did. It led to me hiding my own sexuality for fear of not falling into the Christian household of Man and Wife. It led to so much inner turmoil and damage that even now, in my late thirties I am still healing.
I am learning to let go of the harmful messages in my past and accept my true authentic self.
It’s uncomfortable, but I am becoming a better person every day. I hope that anyone struggling with purity culture can find a safe place here and know you are not alone.
You are loved.
You are valid.
There is a place for you. I hope you find it.
Find more Healing Tips and Confessions of growing up in Evangelical Church at these links: