Tag: toxic marriage

AITAH for Being Angry at My Husband for Buying Me a New Phone?

AITAH – “Or Am I The Asshole” is a reddit forum where people post events in their life and ask strangers on the internet if their reaction to said event was bad making them an ass hole. If I was aware of this forum on reddit many years ago I might write a post something like this: my husband just bought me a brand new phone, after we both agreed I didn’t need a new phone he purchased one anyway, and now I’m angry.

The rest of the post would follow with more details of the event (a true life event that happened to me probably 7 years ago now).

I (33 F) have been married to husband (32 M) for nearly 10yr. We dated almost 4yrs. Recently he wanted to upgrade his cellphone. No big deal I was happy for him. We discussed upgrading my phone too, but we just dropped over $300 on replacing my phone screen and I didn’t think it was financially responsible to buy a brand new one. I’m not big on using my phone. I don’t have games or extra apps. I use my phone mostly for communication, photos, and only use like 4 social media apps. Since we just dropped significant money on getting it fixed I didn’t want or feel the need to get a new phone. I’ve been happy with this one for the 2 years I’ve owned it. My husband agreed. So I was shocked when he returned with his new phone and an exact duplicate for me. 

I didn’t get to choose the color, style, or even the model. Nothing. My opinion was completely disregarded and when I tried to explain my shock that I wasn’t prepared, needed, or even wanted a new phone, let alone the one he bought without my input, I was called ungrateful. 

Mind you this wasn’t a good surprise. There was no holiday or gift-giving reason for him to splurge on such a purchase and I actually felt a little betrayed. We had already agreed I wasn’t getting a new phone, but he got it anyway. 

I’ve already begun feeling like something is off about our relationship, but maybe I’m reading into it too much. It just feels like I should have had a say. We’ve been buying phones together for years and he’s always been supportive of my choices because we use our phones differently and my needs for a cellphone are different from his. We often end up with different models and different colors. But I wasn’t given any options. This led to a big argument (yelling and more). I was told he cannot return it or trade it for a different one. That I am being ungrateful and he was trying to do something nice. I’m just really confused and think something might be wrong with our relationship. 

…End of post until a future Update…

If this was a reddit post I’d return with an update months later saying he bought a random toaster oven without consulting me. I’m the only one who cooks and I already was looking into ones I liked. This is becoming some weird pattern. 

I should also mention that he’s very aggressive when he argues. He always yells and tells me I’m the one overreacting or degrades me during arguments. I’m beginning to think this relationship is unhealthy and we need therapy. I’ve said I want therapy for myself but he won’t let me.

… I would probably stop here again and then review any reddit responses, as when this happened I was really confused and genuinely felt like maybe I was a jerk for not being happy with his surprise. If I had posted back then maybe I would have seen the red flags sooners and started doing more preparation, but I was allowing my husband (now ex of course) to control me. There were other financial areas that he was completely controlling over, and now of course years later I know it was financial abuse as well as manipulation. At the time I was just confused and feeling like I wasn’t doing enough in the relationship.

Also take a look at my exact words – “He won’t let me” go to therapy for myself. I felt I wasn’t allowed to do a lot of things, which if you pay attention to my language is very telling. I also felt very limited in spending and had to get permission to buy things while he could buy whatever whenever and there was always a million reasons that didn’t make sense, but the arguing was too exhausting so I would give in just to end the yelling. I now know this is an emotional manipulation tactic narcissists like to use on their victims. He had all the energy to fight until I just gave up, and I gave up a lot of myself to this relationship. 

Ultimately, my nearly 20 year relationship ended in divorce. The fights got worse, I felt threatened, and thankfully I did get into therapy for myself which gave me enough courage to end this very toxic relationship. These are just fragments of the big picture that was my horrible marriage. It got worse until it ended and I finally got better. I’m a better person. I’m not afraid and I leaned a lot about narcissists from my now ex.

I’m tempted to post my story to reddit, so others can see the behaviors that seem insignificant at the time, but over time grow into a huge issue. Looking back I can see so many tiny ways I was controlled, both with money, and my emotions. I know I’m not the asshole and that the overall feelings I had of betrayal were a huge warning sign my heart was giving me to end things sooner. It took several years and some really big events for me to finally say enough and end things.

I realize now that all the yelling, fighting, arguing for the sake of arguing, were unhealthy. When I started to detach emotionally from the relationship and stop responding to his emotional outbursts, I realized that I could say exactly what he wanted me to like a puppet and he would still roar. I could remain perfectly calm and silent, and he would still roar. My actions did not change him. He needed to fight for himself, not because of anything I did or didn’t do. Once I realized that everything was his problem, I knew there was literally nothing I could do to fix things. And eventually I ended it and again, I am better and more at peace now than I have ever been in my life. Being single and finally learning who I am, has been such a fulfilling journey that I have no desire to bother with another relationship. If it happens, okay, but if I’m single forever, I’m really okay with that. Being alone is so much more peaceful than dealing with even one minute of the nonsense I put up with in my marriage. I refuse to go back.

If you feel any signs of betrayal or question your relationship, it might be your heart telling you something is wrong. Healthy relationships don’t wonder if they are healthy, they are too busy being happy together to worry about all this petty nonsense.

Rebuilding Foundations: Overcoming Childhood Trauma to Foster Healthy Relationships

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Growing up in an environment filled with fear, chaos, and insecurity can set a rocky foundation for the rest of your life. Childhood trauma has profound effects, often manifesting in unhealthy patterns that carry over into adulthood, especially in romantic relationships. This blog explores how childhood trauma creates challenges in forming healthy relationships and offers strategies for breaking the cycle.

The Rocky Foundation of Childhood Trauma

Growing up, my home was a battleground of emotional turbulence. My father was an alcoholic who used passive-aggressive methods to control and manipulate our family. Instead of having a straightforward conversation about using less water in the shower, he would shove objects into the shower head to limit the water flow—a petty and indirect way to express his dissatisfaction. This type of “read between the lines” behavior was a daily occurrence.

My mother, a vulnerable narcissist, was obsessed with how every behavior was perceived by outsiders. She refused to have healthy conversations and always passed off blame and responsibility to everyone else, leaving me, the eldest child, to shoulder the burden. I carried the weight of my mother’s emotions and the responsibility of raising my younger siblings.

The Impact of Toxic Parenting

The combination of my parents’ mental health issues created a perfect storm. Yelling and arguing were the norms in our house, but we weren’t allowed to tell anyone outside the family about how bad things were. On one hand, we were walking on eggshells, never knowing what would cause my dad to erupt and start yelling at us. On the other hand, my mom refused to allow us to bring up these issues with outsiders to get help. My dad constantly criticized us, saying things like, “What do I have three kids for if you can’t even…”—insert whatever chore he was upset about at the moment. I felt like an object or possession of my parents instead of a living, breathing, thinking child.

Developing Self-Loathing and Insecurity

This toxic environment brewed a lot of self-loathing, insecurity, and false beliefs about adulthood and marriage. I knew my family system was damaged, but I couldn’t define what that meant, nor did I have the self-awareness to understand my own needs. I was so busy being the mother figure to my siblings and parents that my own emotional well-being and health declined significantly, resulting in bouts of depression and high-functioning anxiety.

The Pattern of Toxic Relationships

When I finally started dating, I almost always chose troubled young men. They were toxic and did not respect or love me in a healthy way. I now realize that I was trying to fill the void left by my father figure and was stuck in heteronormative thinking, believing that the only right way to leave my family was to marry a man. Growing up in deep purity culture further limited my beliefs about marriage, keeping me stuck in a toxic environment with my parents. I truly believed the only proper way to leave the family home was to marry and start a new family with a man. This was the biggest lie I believed about myself. I didn’t have the freedom or luxury of self-exploration because my parents’ needs and emotions were always more important.

Overlooking Red Flags in Relationships

When I finally started dating my ex and got serious, I knew things weren’t great, but I overlooked many red flags because, in my opinion, it wasn’t as bad as my parents’ relationship. The bar was set so low by my parents’ marriage that I completely overlooked many warning signs in my own relationships. I thought, at least this person cares about my feelings. I was heavily love-bombed at the beginning of my relationship with my ex and fell into the intensity of the relationship.

I ended up experiencing the same chaotic environment in my own marriage because that’s what was normal to me. When you grow up in chaos, peace feels uncomfortable. You are so used to the rocky insecurity of life that safety feels dull, and you might overlook a healthy relationship because it doesn’t give you the same rush of emotions as an unhealthy one. There are chemical reasons for this, too. Like an addiction, your body becomes accustomed to the highs and lows of toxic, abusive relationships, so you seek them out in your own relationships after leaving your family.

Admitting the Truth and Starting to Heal

Once I finally admitted my ex was abusive, it opened the door to start healing my childhood wounds. I’ve come a long way, and I continue to face my false beliefs and rewrite my thinking every day.

Strategies for Breaking the Cycle

  1. Acknowledge Your Trauma: The first step in breaking the cycle is acknowledging that your childhood experiences have shaped your perceptions and behaviors. Understand that your upbringing was not your fault and that you have the power to change your future.
  2. Seek Professional Help: Therapy can be incredibly beneficial in unpacking childhood trauma. A professional therapist can help you understand your past and develop strategies for building healthier relationships.
  3. Set Boundaries: Learn to set and maintain healthy boundaries with others. This is crucial in preventing toxic relationships from forming and protecting your emotional well-being.
  4. Practice Self-Care: Prioritize self-care and self-love. Engage in activities that make you feel good and help you recharge. Remember that taking care of yourself is not selfish; it’s necessary.
  5. Develop Emotional Intelligence: Work on understanding and managing your emotions. Emotional intelligence can help you navigate relationships more effectively and avoid repeating unhealthy patterns.
  6. Educate Yourself: Read books, attend workshops, and seek out resources that can help you understand the impact of childhood trauma and how to overcome it. Knowledge is power.
  7. Build a Support Network: Surround yourself with supportive and understanding people. A strong support network can provide the encouragement and validation you need to heal and grow.
  8. Reflect and Journal: Spend time reflecting on your experiences and writing them down. Journaling can help you process your emotions and gain insights into your behavior patterns.
  9. Forgive Yourself: Understand that healing is a process, and you will make mistakes along the way. Forgive yourself for past mistakes and focus on the progress you’re making.
  10. Stay Committed to Growth: Healing from childhood trauma is an ongoing journey. Stay committed to your personal growth and continue working towards building healthier relationships.

Conclusion

Childhood trauma can set a rocky foundation, leading to toxic romantic relationships later in life. However, by acknowledging your past, seeking help, and actively working on your personal growth, you can break the cycle and build healthy, fulfilling relationships. Remember, you are not defined by your past, and you have the power to create a better future for yourself. Stay committed to your healing journey and embrace the possibility of a life filled with love, respect, and emotional well-being.

Loneliness in Divorce VS Being Alone

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Divorce is a lonely journey. Compared to the deep bone aching loneliness I felt in my marriage, being alone now feels hopeful. My ex was emotionally unavailable for years, due to addiction and other issues. I prefer being alone to the constant false hope of change, of things getting better.

My marriage was toxic. At the beginning we brought out the worst in each other. We triggered old childhood wounds and traumas, but never worked to heal them. It took becoming a parent for me to face my childhood and fully work on it, on my own. That was gift I gave myself, the first of many and the start of my journey to self-love. Eventually this journey ended the cycle of abuse within my marriage through divorce.

I outsourced validation and emotional regulation instead of going inward.

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I can see the wounded children within myself and my ex now. I see the old fights (we always had the same ones; even if the circumstances around them changed, the core turmoil was always the same). We were both struggling for love, and self-acceptance, but we put all the work on the other person instead of owning our own baggage. We outsourced validation and emotional regulation instead of going inward. This outsourcing is known as “codependency.”

When I finally stopped the codependent patterns on my end, things turned downright abusive. I realize now, looking back, it was always abusive. There was a trauma bond that had me trapped in the cycle. Verbal assaults, invalidation, gaslighting, financial abuse, and other issues that I will not go into with this post, were a constant. By the end of my marriage, I was genuinely scared. So scared, I made arrangements for a safe house for myself and child, if it came to that.

Those fears came from a real place

Those fears came from a real place. All the threats and verbal attacks pushed me into survivor mode. I recorded several arguments just to have proof for myself that I wasn’t imagining how bad things were. I had been gaslighted and invalidated to the point I questioned my reality. Thanks to those recordings I found truth. I was experiencing “retroactive abuse.”

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Retroactive abuse is when the abuser pushes their victim to the point that the victim lashes out. The abuser gains the upper hand by acting like the rational one. This type of abuse was the baseline of my marriage.

Almost every argument turned into retroactive abuse. Many times I would try to walk out of the room, only to be followed. He would even stand in doorways to block me from leaving. All while arguing at me, often yelling at me, sometimes hitting or kicking the walls.

I was stuck on survive. Stuck in a constant state of over-vigilance. I was a master at walking on egg-shells, a trait I learned in childhood and carried into my marriage.

Thankfully my worst fears never came to fruition

When I finally asked for a divorce, I was so scared, thankfully my worse fears never came to fruition. I am grateful that my imagined fears were greater than the actual physical fear, but I do not for once instance negate those feelings. They came from a feeling of being unsafe. My fear manifested in many ways outside of my ex’s presence.

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I recall times when I was driving behind a truck with pipes sticking off the back. I was certain I would sneeze, take my foot off the brake, ram my car, and my eye, into the obtrusion then die. I also feared I would have a seizure while out walking my baby in their stroller, and collapse, pushing the strolling into traffic, killing my child and myself. Those were normal thoughts that were always present in the back of my mind. I was on high alert because of the constant stress of the abuse in my marriage and from my childhood.

A few months after my ex moved out, these fear-filled thoughts abated. I was sitting in traffic behind a truck with things sticking out the back for a full two minutes before I realized I had not thought about my doom. It was a strange, peaceful feeling. The catastrophizing, and vigilance was starting to wear off. Peace felt uncomfortable and foreign at first, but welcomed.

The loneliness was marred with the hope of change that would never come

Divorce is a lonely journey. But I will take this hopeful loneliness, this expectation of a brighter future, over the desperate longing that filled each empty night in my marriage. This loneliness can change and will change as time allows. The loneliness I lived before was endless and marred with the hope of change that would never come. Now I am making changes myself. I am moving forward, one step at a time.

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Much like getting on a train to a place you have never been. You can imagine what it will be like at the end, but there are a lot of stops. You go through lots of dark tunnels and wonder if you are doing the right thing. Did you get on the right train? Is this really the right course?

I am alone on the metaphorical divorce train, but I feel hopeful. I am excited about this new adventure. Maybe I will find love again. Even if I don’t, at least I found peace. I think that might be more important than love in the end.

And to quote a famous animated princess: “Yes, I’m alone, but I’m alone and free.”

Read more about freeing yourself from emotional, spiritual, and religious abuse: