Growing up my ideas about love centered on rules and expectations. I grew up idolizing self-sacrifice as the ultimate expression of love. The God of my childhood sacrificed his only son in order to save mortals. Even though Jesus himself didn’t want to die on the cross, he had to do it for the sake of all the sinners.
Mortals are meant to emulate God. The best way to show love to another person is to sacrifice yourself. Dying for someone, being a martyr, were all seen as being like God and showing God’s love, which is more important than any other expression of love.
Even the society and culture outside of the Evangelical Church taught that love was all about putting others first. Many films and fairytales center on heroes and heroines who give things up to show their love.
Fairytales are Filled with themes of submissiveness and self-sacrifice
The Little Mermaid leaves behind her powerful voice and fins for love. In the original she becomes sea foam, because she did not kill the prince she loved, which would have returned her to the sea. The moral is it’s better to die for love than to live for yourself. Another theme is to change everything about yourself to fit the image of the person you love instead of being authentically you.
Another classic Fairytale that teaches submission is Cinderella. Poor Cinderella is rewarded with a gown, shoes, a night out, and eventually a prince because she constantly puts her evil stepfamily’s needs above her own. Despite being constantly abused she smiles. The moral of her story is that submission is more rewarding than standing up for oneself.
These stories also show that love is rewarded with a man, a marriage, which will lead to happily ever after. A woman’s reward is to continue being submissive to her spouse and sacrificing herself for her children.
I Now know that love starts with self-love, not self-sacrifice.
It hass taken a lot to come to this conclusion. It’s taken having a child and wanting to not only be better for myself but create a better world for him. Learning to be a better parent means healing childhood wounds by loving myself.
I cannot love others until I love myself, fully, unconditionally, accepting all my flaws and insecurities. This is so foreign to me, yet so freeing. My greatest moments of peace have been when I accept and love myself as I am. Instead of looking inside for all my flaws and criticizing myself, I now look inside and see someone who is working to be better each day, and that is beautiful.
Through meditation I’ve learned it’s okay to have strange thoughts. I don’t have to judge everything that drifts through my mind, every criticism and doubt. There is power in simply acknowledging the thoughts exist without keeping them and making them mine. I can release them and feel freedom in the peace that comes after.
Until now I felt responsible for everyone else’s thoughts and feelings.
I grew up being told that I was part of the reason my parents were miserable. There was a lot of pressure on success, perfection, and submission. I wanted to be loved and felt that being perfect was the only way to achieve that. Love was something you earned by doing all the right things, by being kind and submissive.
I was assaulted twice in high school. Purity Culture taught me that how I dressed and behaved could bring on an assault, so when it happened I believed it was because of something I did. Because I liked the people who assaulted me I stayed quiet fearing I would lose them. Sacrificing my physical autonomy was part of love. This is a lie. Let me repeat that… sacrificing your physical autonomy IS NOT LOVE.
Loving yourself is learning to set healthy boundaries.
I now love myself so much I say “NO” proudly and firmly. I can put my needs and feelings first, in healthy, safe, kind ways. This doesn’t mean I tell people off and act mean. I set boundaries with frim kindness, a technique I am still working on. I tell the other person what I will or will not tolerate, and then explain what the consequence is if they push my boundary.
Now that I am learning to live a separate life from my soon-to-be-ex-husband, I have to make decisions for me, and my child. I no longer put anyone else’s feelings or thoughts into the equation. It’s so strange, but so freeing. I can make a decision that is best for me without having to worry about someone else’s reactions.
I am becoming more confident with each new decision and growing into a new person who loves herself.
So what is Love to me now?
Instead of being patient, kind, self-sacrificing, I think Love is being authentic, honest, and straightforward. Love is accepting things as they are, knowing I’m not perfect, others aren’t perfect, but not tolerating rudeness or abuse. It’s setting firm but kind boundaries. Telling people how I want to be treated and not tolerating being treated less.
If my boundary is not being called names, then I say that and if the other person starts calling me names I point this out and tell them I will not tolerate it, and end the conversation.
Love is knowing myself and living the fullness and wonder of all that I am.
Love is Kindness to me first, then to others. As I learn to be kind to myself I fill myself with the energy and compassion that can be then given to others.
I am love and love flows through me.
Blessed Be.
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